Hollywood News Gifts

'I'd love to spend more time perusing the alternative media, but then I'd miss out on all those important celebrity stories.'

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

"I'll do the movie but I want to be highly compensated and highly acclaimed."

King Kong uses fly spray against the pesky planes on top of the Empire State Building

"An actor, you say? Guess you caught the acting-like-a-waiter bug."

"Seth, here, is one of the best young creative compromisers in the business."

Marilyn Monroe - Spot the Difference

Canadian film production

'Hey, Charlie, have we got good news for you!'

'...And now, the film most criticized for eroding traditional family values, the nominees are...'

Enterpe, Terpsichore, Calliope, and Bernie, their agent.

"OK, stop me if you've never heard this before!"

'For the actress who benefitted most by rehab...'

Tom Hanks

"Which part are you reading for?"

'Harlow, why can't you be passionate like Mel Gibson?'

'Vital mission - movie parody'

"So, do you see yourself as a car valet who writes screenplays or a screen writer who parks cars?"

'And the Award goes to...Ewww...him?'

Los Angeles, 1928: Mickey Mouse Emerges from the Primordial Ooze.

"The script isn't funny, but maybe if we put some unfunny actors in it and get an unfunny director it will be funny."

Hollywood producer.

"Hello. I'm director Bob ('Blue Fires') Munsey and this is screenwriter Doris ('Highway to Nowhere') Winslow."

Blockbuster Billion Club

Danae's Celebrity Career: 'I don't know where to begin in deciding what I want to be when I grow up...I want people to shut and leave me alone, and I need lots of attention, so...'

'Therapy in L.A.'

"Although the depiction of gangland activity in this film is not accurate over all, I would like to go on record as saying that I am not entirely displeased with Mr. Robert De Niro's portrayal of a gentleman whom I take to have been a former associate of yours truly."

The Directors Gut.