Award Show Season Gifts

' ... and I'd like to thank the Academy.'

"Thanks to the Oscars, we're going to be the hottest finger food this season."

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

"Remind me: Is it the New York Critics Award or the Sundance Audience Prize that always lets us down?"

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

'Gosh, really? You've never been on any reality show at all?'

'...And now, the film most criticized for eroding traditional family values, the nominees are...'

Movie Awards. Winner. It's been a big night for Ernie! He won three times at the movie-set caterer awards! On one set he made a healthy, refreshing beverage that received rave reviews from the cast and crew. He won the "best pitcher" award for it. Did they say he won for best costumes? No, his dressings won. His sticky buns won also. For "best leading roll" performance, right? No, for best "cinnamontography"!

"We need to make it through at least one movie, so we have something to root for during the Oscars."

'... and the winner for 'The Noisiest Picture of the Year' is...'

Movie Awards. That movie always comes alone and never stays for the after-party. It's an independent film.

'For the actress who benefitted most by rehab...'

'Nine national treasures in one film! Start writing your Oscar speech, darling.'

'And the Award goes to...Ewww...him?'

"Hello. I'm director Bob ('Blue Fires') Munsey and this is screenwriter Doris ('Highway to Nowhere') Winslow."

"It's touching, actually, to see white dudes fumble around for a few last moments in the spotlight."

"Ladies and gentlemen, I simply can't believe that I've won this award. I keep wanting to pinch myself."

Barbie Oscars

"And the award for Best Product Placement in a Domestic or Foreign Film goes to..."

Giving an Oscar to an animal actor would put the academy awards into context.

'...well you say you're Stephen Hawking but as Eddie Redmayne said he was going to turn up in character we're not too sure."

May I have the envelope, please?

Oscars acceptance speech.

Oscars

'And the winner of the 'biggest loser in love' category is...'

"The idiots don't realise that flying in a private jet is meant to be IRONIC!"

Djargo.

Actors getting married. 'Best supporting man'

"If it weren't for the Botox, right now I'd be so sharing your enthusiasm."

"This should be interesting. . . they're giving an acting award for best political lie. . ."

"Nominations for best skinny mad white dude goes to..."

Will Smith's Oscar

"Technically, it's not a crime, but it still feels wrong."

"I think I just won Best Director!"

"And the award for the best interruption of an oscar speech goes to...The woodwinds."