Awards Shows Gifts

"I'm very proud. Someone I've been stalking has been nominated for an Academy Award."

"I don't know much about show business, but my uncle was featured on the golden globes buffet table."

'We worship celebrity!' People bow down in front of a TV showing the academy awards.

'Today let's start with a list of actors who were never nominated for an academy award...'

Golden Egg.

"Nominations for best skinny mad white dude goes to..."

Oscar Victory

"And the Oscar for best wardrobe in a film based on a 17th century picaresque novel goes to..."

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

'...And now the award for best performance by a politician trying to improve his or her poll numbers...'

Kylie Minogue.

Academy Awards - 'And now for the best public apology for a politically incorrect slur...'

Donald Trump Celebrating Oscar

'We worship celebrity!'

"Is there weaker praise than 'Emmy-nominated'?"

Homeless Man: Get my Oscar Reviews.

"And lastly, I'd just like to say a big '*&$@' you to Mrs. Peters, my fourth grade teacher."

"I'm not going to sit here and make fun of the very people I'm wasting my time watching."

May I have the envelope, please?

"And now the award for..."

'And this year's 'Inquisitive Learner Award' goes to...'

"Remind me: Is it the New York Critics Award or the Sundance Audience Prize that always lets us down?"

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

Movie Awards. Winner. It's been a big night for Ernie! He won three times at the movie-set caterer awards! On one set he made a healthy, refreshing beverage that received rave reviews from the cast and crew. He won the "best pitcher" award for it. Did they say he won for best costumes? No, his dressings won. His sticky buns won also. For "best leading roll" performance, right? No, for best "cinnamontography"!

'... and the winner for 'The Noisiest Picture of the Year' is...'

'Sure you won 'Contractor of the Decade' five times, McWit, but what have you done lately?'

'...And now, the film most criticized for eroding traditional family values, the nominees are...'

Win - win

'For the actress who benefitted most by rehab...'

Movie Awards. That movie always comes alone and never stays for the after-party. It's an independent film.

OFA. Onion Farmer of the Year. I told myself I wasn't going to cry ….

'And the Award goes to...Ewww...him?'

'Nine national treasures in one film! Start writing your Oscar speech, darling.'

'And now I'd like to name this month's recipient of the Dumbest Global E-mail Award...'

"Ladies and gentlemen, I simply can't believe that I've won this award. I keep wanting to pinch myself."