Awards Show Host Gifts

'For the actress who benefitted most by rehab...'

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

'Gosh, really? You've never been on any reality show at all?'

'... and the winner for 'The Noisiest Picture of the Year' is...'

'...And now, the film most criticized for eroding traditional family values, the nominees are...'

"We need to make it through at least one movie, so we have something to root for during the Oscars."

"It's touching, actually, to see white dudes fumble around for a few last moments in the spotlight."

'And the Award goes to...Ewww...him?'

"Ladies and gentlemen, I simply can't believe that I've won this award. I keep wanting to pinch myself."

May I have the envelope, please?

Giving an Oscar to an animal actor would put the academy awards into context.

Actors getting married. 'Best supporting man'

Oscars

'And the winner of the 'biggest loser in love' category is...'

Djargo.

"If it weren't for the Botox, right now I'd be so sharing your enthusiasm."

"This should be interesting. . . they're giving an acting award for best political lie. . ."

"And now the award for..."

A woman bows to the crowd

"Nominations for best skinny mad white dude goes to..."

Oscar Victory

"Technically, it's not a crime, but it still feels wrong."

"And the award for the best interruption of an oscar speech goes to...The woodwinds."

Man reads from card at awards ceremony: 'And the award for Best Actress goes to ...'

"I'm very proud. Someone I've been stalking has been nominated for an Academy Award."

"This ought to bring in the young demographic!"

"And the Oscar for best wardrobe in a film based on a 17th century picaresque novel goes to..."

"What are you crying about? You're the one who wins all the awards."

' ... and I'd like to thank the Academy.'

Red carpet rolling over a limousine.

"The first prize goes to WIlbur Van Zick who slept with nine out ten members of the jury. The second prize with eight members goes to..."

Ed Asner - 1929-2021

'Really, this award has come as a great surprise...'

"I'll keep this short as I know many of you are eager to hit that dumpster out back."