Award Show Producer Gifts

"This ought to bring in the young demographic!"

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

Showbiz Awards

Producer, Director and Novelizer.

Department of Theatre, Film and Television: Lights...Camera...Unemployment!

"I'll do the movie but I want to be highly compensated and highly acclaimed."

"Don't worry - I'm here for the television."

Ernie Studios. Hi, Ernie. What movies are you working on? We have a script about astronauts marooned on a planet filed with talking gorillas who are in hard economic times. I think I'll call it "The Apes of Wrath"! We're casting "Reignman." The central character is a savant monarch. And we're filming a movie about a suburban town populated by women with strange, long hair ... It's called "The Stepford Weaves."

Working in the Hazard Zone!

Cut!

'Okay, folks, that's a wrap!'

"The following program was made possible by fluctuations in the random chaos of the Universe...."

"Seth, here, is one of the best young creative compromisers in the business."

"Same story every morning - 'Can you come and fix our windmill?'..."

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

'Gosh, really? You've never been on any reality show at all?'

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

There's a crew here from 60 minutes and they're coming this way.

Applause

'Do you realize that we're sitting in a prefabricated house, eating precooked dinners, and listening to Chris Matthews' opinions?'

"It's basically the 'Tragedy of King Lear' but with animated penguins."

Canadian film production

'...And now, the film most criticized for eroding traditional family values, the nominees are...'

'... and the winner for 'The Noisiest Picture of the Year' is...'

MEGASTUDIOS, INC., 'Just think of it -- 'CSI Mayberry,' with Robert DeNiro as Andy and Wesley Snipes as Barney!'

Buster Keaton

'This is the last time we hire former Cirque du Soleil members as stompers.'

Little Red Riding Carpet

Senior Jeopardy!

"What's the final episode of 'Seinfeld' about?""It's about nothing."

"Not fair! Being really into movies is my thing!"

'When you said this movie's about a fish out of water, I was expecting more of a light-hearted comedy.'

"We can stop entertaining ourselves now, Ian."

Movie Awards. That movie always comes alone and never stays for the after-party. It's an independent film.