Award Shows Gifts

"If it weren't for the Botox, right now I'd be so sharing your enthusiasm."

Man leaving stretch limousine rides a stretch wheel chair.

'Really, this award has come as a great surprise...'

"I'll keep this short as I know many of you are eager to hit that dumpster out back."

'Hello and welcome to the stupidly hyperbolic awards.'

'I know - You nominate me for a Nobel Prize, and I'll nominate YOU!'

The award for the cutest baby concieved during an on-screen copulation...

"At an event some chick publicly badmouthed my husband. I didn't run on stage to knock the lady down because she was right."

Ed Asner - 1929-2021

"And the award for best interruption of an oscar speech goes to. . . The Woodwinds."

"I don't know if it's the end of the foreign film winner or the start of'The Shape of Water'."

"An 'audit'? I thought you said 'plaudit'."

"And the award for the best interruption of an oscar speech goes to...The woodwinds."

Dress code at the Grammys.

Giving an Oscar to an animal actor would put the academy awards into context.

'I didn't get re-elected, but I won an Emmy for my campaign promises!'

'...And the award for the most 'talk to the hands' in one show goes to...'

'And the winner of the 'biggest loser in love' category is...'

'...And the award for 'best thing' goes to...'

'And the 'Antsy' for ruining the most picnics in a year goes to...'

'Ooh, I love your overalls, who are you wearing?'

"What are you crying about? You're the one who wins all the awards."

"And to my two beautiful kids watching at home, walk the dog and clean those darned rooms now!"

"This is so unexpected – I didn't even prepare a speech."

"Thanks to the Oscars, we're going to be the hottest finger food this season."

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

Showbiz Awards

"Remind me: Is it the New York Critics Award or the Sundance Audience Prize that always lets us down?"

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

Buisnessman Of The Hour - I'd like to introduce our guest but he is 45 minutes late

'...And now, the film most criticized for eroding traditional family values, the nominees are...'

Movie Awards. Winner. It's been a big night for Ernie! He won three times at the movie-set caterer awards! On one set he made a healthy, refreshing beverage that received rave reviews from the cast and crew. He won the "best pitcher" award for it. Did they say he won for best costumes? No, his dressings won. His sticky buns won also. For "best leading roll" performance, right? No, for best "cinnamontography"!

'... and the winner for 'The Noisiest Picture of the Year' is...'

Movie Awards. That movie always comes alone and never stays for the after-party. It's an independent film.

'For the actress who benefitted most by rehab...'