Talent Show Producer Gifts

The Ox Factor

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

Department of Theatre, Film and Television: Lights...Camera...Unemployment!

'He went in for the Worst Singer and won first prize in the Gurning competition at the same time!'

"Don't worry - I'm here for the television."

"And now here's Cathie with the hypothetical portion of the news."

Cut!

"The following program was made possible by fluctuations in the random chaos of the Universe...."

'This has the makings of their toughest season ever.'

'Gosh, really? You've never been on any reality show at all?'

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

TV jester.

There's a crew here from 60 minutes and they're coming this way.

'Do you realize that we're sitting in a prefabricated house, eating precooked dinners, and listening to Chris Matthews' opinions?'

"And by president we mean the one on Saturday night tv, not the real one. He kinda sucks."

"I always thought I'd be good at getting drunk and crying on camera for Bravo."

Applause

'Contrary to the popular view, our studies show that it is real life that contributes to violence on television.'

"Downton Abbey Road"

'You don't want weather? Not a problem! How about sports, or maybe a nice movie? We can do that! Just put that thing down and let's talk, OK?'

"Here's the deal, boys. We need to see a little more bickering. We're doing a Reality Show."

Mary Tyler Moore: Spot the Difference

Somewhere in America... the day after "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" came to an end.

Senior Jeopardy!

"You haven't enjoyed the Yule log till you've enjoyed it in high def."

"I actually saw ten gay characters on television this week—which almost balanced out the 2,174 straight characters I saw."

Hi, sweetie! How was the talent show? Did they enjoy your Clay Aiken tribute?

"Despite thoroughly scraping the celebrity barrel, that Orwellian nightmare Celebrity Big Brother is back on our screens again."

Police film evidence

'I love this street...it's so real man...'

"What's the final episode of 'Seinfeld' about?""It's about nothing."

The following wildlife film is sponsored in part by a grant from...Mother Nature Foundation.

'The following programme contains scones of a sexual nature.'

'If I'd known these programs were going to be so fake - I'd be psychic!'