Talent Show Season Gifts

Hi, sweetie! How was the talent show? Did they enjoy your Clay Aiken tribute?

"Dad, it's only a surveillance camera."

'He went in for the Worst Singer and won first prize in the Gurning competition at the same time!'

Stan Mack's Real Life Funnies: The David Letterman Show Goes to the Dogs, Cats, Birds, Guinea Pigs...

The Drummer

Piers Morgan.

'... And I'd like to thank my agent and everyone who voted for me... '

Trump commissions song

"Lenders are a lot more cautious about 'interest free' mortgages these days. "

The Ox Factor

'What have I told you about laughing on purpose, Mother?'

'He can't speak to the dead, but he can speak to the dead.'

"This could be fun! Don't you do magic tricks, Cruz?"

'That was the worst performance I've ever seen.'

'That should be an easy act to follow.'

Executives are evaluated in Dancing With The Stars style.

"I'm a TV producer. I can get you on one of those fake judge programs, and you'll both become famous."

"This next song is for all the music teachers who said I'd never make it."

'Thank you! This next song I wrote to prove that we accountants DO know how to be 'cool'.'

Simon Cowell

Well, it's not my fault if nobody bothered to tune the microphone.'

'Usual Saturday night crap.'

'For one of these girls, dreams of royalty are over...'

"Oh heck, it’s going to be a long night, someone’s pressed the golden buzzer."

The ocean is no place for a star.

'I see ol' bug-eyes is back.'

'You call that carol singing?'

'...and all going well, definitely no more than 15 minutes of fame!'

'Sorry, I already have a Dancer.'

Mic Drop

"She's good because she is our bookkeeper."

Jonny B Goode fails his first audition "You know, you play that guitar just like you're ringing a bell! Trouble is we need someone who plays like they're playing a guitar!"

'I'm gifted but I hide it well.'

Jerusalem's Got Talent

'Baldo, being on TV requires talent.'