Talent Show Viewers Gifts

"O.K., laugh, but this is going to be my ticket out of here."

'He went in for the Worst Singer and won first prize in the Gurning competition at the same time!'

Hi, sweetie! How was the talent show? Did they enjoy your Clay Aiken tribute?

Stan Mack's Real Life Funnies: The David Letterman Show Goes to the Dogs, Cats, Birds, Guinea Pigs...

The Drummer

Piers Morgan.

Trump commissions song

'... And I'd like to thank my agent and everyone who voted for me... '

"Lenders are a lot more cautious about 'interest free' mortgages these days. "

'That should be an easy act to follow.'

"I'm a TV producer. I can get you on one of those fake judge programs, and you'll both become famous."

Executives are evaluated in Dancing With The Stars style.

The Ox Factor

"This could be fun! Don't you do magic tricks, Cruz?"

'He can't speak to the dead, but he can speak to the dead.'

"This next song is for all the music teachers who said I'd never make it."

'Thank you! This next song I wrote to prove that we accountants DO know how to be 'cool'.'

Simon Cowell

Well, it's not my fault if nobody bothered to tune the microphone.'

'Usual Saturday night crap.'

'I see ol' bug-eyes is back.'

The ocean is no place for a star.

'You call that carol singing?'

'Sorry, I already have a Dancer.'

'...and all going well, definitely no more than 15 minutes of fame!'

"Oh heck, it’s going to be a long night, someone’s pressed the golden buzzer."

Mic Drop

"She's good because she is our bookkeeper."

'For one of these girls, dreams of royalty are over...'

Jonny B Goode fails his first audition "You know, you play that guitar just like you're ringing a bell! Trouble is we need someone who plays like they're playing a guitar!"

'I'm gifted but I hide it well.'

Jerusalem's Got Talent

'Your huffing and puffing completely blew us away.'

Simon Owl - That hoot was ghastly!

"Give it up for Stevie and his musical underarms! Next up, in the house...Crazy Katrina and her jump rope of death! It's something you'll see only on...the Security Camera Network!"