Award Season Gifts

'... And the award for 'most fervent booty-shaking in a music video' goes to...'

BAFTA/Oscar lack of diversity

'And the Award goes to...Ewww...him?'

May I have the envelope, please?

Will Smith's Oscar

"And now the Oscar for the film that everyone claims they want to see when they ACTUALLY saw 'Fifty Shades Freed'."

"...And finally, a mention has to go to the producers,directors and presenters who worked alongside us to make this award possible."

"For the best picture having not won anything, thereby being eliminated from this category..."

'...well you say you're Stephen Hawking but as Eddie Redmayne said he was going to turn up in character we're not too sure."

Dress code at the Grammys.

'... and the winner for 'The Noisiest Picture of the Year' is...'

Academy Awards - 'And now for the best public apology for a politically incorrect slur...'

"Remind me: Is it the New York Critics Award or the Sundance Audience Prize that always lets us down?"

"First, I'd like to thank the Academy."

Academy Awards

"There is a new category this year: overacting. The nominees are..."

Here comes the award for the best animal movie. I've seen them all. "Elephant in the Room"? Forgettable. "Birds of a Feather"? Flighty. "Happy as a Clam"? All wet. And the winner is "Playing Possum." Ooh! A sleeper!

Movie Awards. That movie always comes alone and never stays for the after-party. It's an independent film.

Movie Awards. Winner. It's been a big night for Ernie! He won three times at the movie-set caterer awards! On one set he made a healthy, refreshing beverage that received rave reviews from the cast and crew. He won the "best pitcher" award for it. Did they say he won for best costumes? No, his dressings won. His sticky buns won also. For "best leading roll" performance, right? No, for best "cinnamontography"!

"And the award for Best Product Placement in a Domestic or Foreign Film goes to..."

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

"Thanks to the Oscars, we're going to be the hottest finger food this season."

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

'And this year's 'Inquisitive Learner Award' goes to...'

'Gosh, really? You've never been on any reality show at all?'

"I'm telling you, she's the best in her field."

'Sure you won 'Contractor of the Decade' five times, McWit, but what have you done lately?'

"We need to make it through at least one movie, so we have something to root for during the Oscars."

Win - win

"OK, stop me if you've never heard this before!"

'For the actress who benefitted most by rehab...'

"Not fair! Being really into movies is my thing!"

"It's touching, actually, to see white dudes fumble around for a few last moments in the spotlight."

"Hello. I'm director Bob ('Blue Fires') Munsey and this is screenwriter Doris ('Highway to Nowhere') Winslow."

'Nine national treasures in one film! Start writing your Oscar speech, darling.'