Awards Season Gifts

"It's touching, actually, to see white dudes fumble around for a few last moments in the spotlight."

Oppenheimer Bafta

'Gosh, really? You've never been on any reality show at all?'

Man reads from card at awards ceremony: 'And the award for Best Actress goes to ...'

"The first prize goes to WIlbur Van Zick who slept with nine out ten members of the jury. The second prize with eight members goes to..."

Oscars

"Nominations for best skinny mad white dude goes to..."

"Thanks to the Oscars, we're going to be the hottest finger food this season."

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

"Remind me: Is it the New York Critics Award or the Sundance Audience Prize that always lets us down?"

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

"We need to make it through at least one movie, so we have something to root for during the Oscars."

Win - win

'...And now, the film most criticized for eroding traditional family values, the nominees are...'

'I got this one for thinking outside the box.'

'... and the winner for 'The Noisiest Picture of the Year' is...'

Pipe Smoker of the Year Awards.

'For the actress who benefitted most by rehab...'

Gymnasts falling off the winners pedestal.

'She deserves it since she's raised our three kids with me overseas.'

'And the Award goes to...Ewww...him?'

"Hello. I'm director Bob ('Blue Fires') Munsey and this is screenwriter Doris ('Highway to Nowhere') Winslow."

"So that's where you were last night."

"I should cover your ears.I'm not very good at this.'

"Ladies and gentlemen, I simply can't believe that I've won this award. I keep wanting to pinch myself."

"This year the endowed chair will go to whomever pulls the sword from the stone."

And this one i got for properly polishing my medals.

May I have the envelope, please?

"And the award for Best Product Placement in a Domestic or Foreign Film goes to..."

"I would like to thank all the big and little and in between people."

Employee of the month...

Hospital Deaths - "Congratulations, you're manager of the month again"

'I think it's really tacky to make the salesperson of the month someone from another firm.'

Norman E-Mailer

"We don�t do awards ceremonies up here actually"