Awards Season Gifts

"It's touching, actually, to see white dudes fumble around for a few last moments in the spotlight."

Barry Jenkins, Damien Chazelle, Peter Farrelly, Alfonso Cuaron, Ryan Coogler, Bradley Coooper

Oppenheimer Bafta

'Gosh, really? You've never been on any reality show at all?'

Man reads from card at awards ceremony: 'And the award for Best Actress goes to ...'

"The first prize goes to WIlbur Van Zick who slept with nine out ten members of the jury. The second prize with eight members goes to..."

Oscars

"Nominations for best skinny mad white dude goes to..."

"Thanks to the Oscars, we're going to be the hottest finger food this season."

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

"Remind me: Is it the New York Critics Award or the Sundance Audience Prize that always lets us down?"

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

'... and the winner for 'The Noisiest Picture of the Year' is...'

"We need to make it through at least one movie, so we have something to root for during the Oscars."

Win - win

'...And now, the film most criticized for eroding traditional family values, the nominees are...'

Movie Awards. Winner. It's been a big night for Ernie! He won three times at the movie-set caterer awards! On one set he made a healthy, refreshing beverage that received rave reviews from the cast and crew. He won the "best pitcher" award for it. Did they say he won for best costumes? No, his dressings won. His sticky buns won also. For "best leading roll" performance, right? No, for best "cinnamontography"!

'I got this one for thinking outside the box.'

Movie Awards. That movie always comes alone and never stays for the after-party. It's an independent film.

'For the actress who benefitted most by rehab...'

Pipe Smoker of the Year Awards.

Gymnasts falling off the winners pedestal.

'She deserves it since she's raised our three kids with me overseas.'

"So that's where you were last night."

"Hello. I'm director Bob ('Blue Fires') Munsey and this is screenwriter Doris ('Highway to Nowhere') Winslow."

'And the Award goes to...Ewww...him?'

"I should cover your ears.I'm not very good at this.'

"This year the endowed chair will go to whomever pulls the sword from the stone."

"Ladies and gentlemen, I simply can't believe that I've won this award. I keep wanting to pinch myself."

And this one i got for properly polishing my medals.

"I would like to thank all the big and little and in between people."

'...well you say you're Stephen Hawking but as Eddie Redmayne said he was going to turn up in character we're not too sure."

Giving an Oscar to an animal actor would put the academy awards into context.

"And the award for Best Product Placement in a Domestic or Foreign Film goes to..."

May I have the envelope, please?