Award Season Devotee Gifts

'For the actress who benefitted most by rehab...'

"Thanks to the Oscars, we're going to be the hottest finger food this season."

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

Showbiz Awards

"Remind me: Is it the New York Critics Award or the Sundance Audience Prize that always lets us down?"

'Gosh, really? You've never been on any reality show at all?'

Buisnessman Of The Hour - I'd like to introduce our guest but he is 45 minutes late

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

Movie Awards. Winner. It's been a big night for Ernie! He won three times at the movie-set caterer awards! On one set he made a healthy, refreshing beverage that received rave reviews from the cast and crew. He won the "best pitcher" award for it. Did they say he won for best costumes? No, his dressings won. His sticky buns won also. For "best leading roll" performance, right? No, for best "cinnamontography"!

'... and the winner for 'The Noisiest Picture of the Year' is...'

'Guess what? I won again.'

'My hot-shot assistant was named as one of the top 10 to watch."

Movie Awards. That movie always comes alone and never stays for the after-party. It's an independent film.

Soccer coach of the year.

"It's touching, actually, to see white dudes fumble around for a few last moments in the spotlight."

'Nine national treasures in one film! Start writing your Oscar speech, darling.'

'And the Award goes to...Ewww...him?'

'We had to donwsize.'

'We're looking for an award-winning sales professional. Those are trophies. You're overqualified.'

May I have the envelope, please?

"And the award for Best Product Placement in a Domestic or Foreign Film goes to..."

"I'd like to thank my family, but, to be honest, I'm pretty sure I could've done it without them."

And this one i got for properly polishing my medals.

'...well you say you're Stephen Hawking but as Eddie Redmayne said he was going to turn up in character we're not too sure."

Barbie Oscars

"...and I'd like to thank all my patients for being so ill..."

Oscars acceptance speech.

"I'd like to thank my mum..."

Hospital Deaths - "Congratulations, you're manager of the month again"

'For donating half my property to the poor, I'll get the 'Unselfish Millionaire of the Year' medal and a supporting receipt for my allowable expenses!'

"The idiots don't realise that flying in a private jet is meant to be IRONIC!"

"...and this one is for the Spritzer Beer account."

"We don�t do awards ceremonies up here actually"

"Here's my idea. . . we offer Trump the Nobel Peace Prize as a quid pro quo for leaving office."

'Introducing one of our top salesmen despite his old age. . .'