Holier-than-thou Humorist Gifts

"Bless me father for I have allegedly sinned."

"You're going to hate yourself."

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

Emergency Hipster Beard

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"The Eggsorcist"

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

"Don't worry, Miss. I'll soon get the hang of it."

"[UNABLE TO PROCESS THIS IMAGE]"

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

The mysterious ancient stone figures of Keister Island.

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

"It makes sense when you see the second painting with the lego."

Champagne at the hunt

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

Gangsta wrap.

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

"The tricky bit is finding some UK infrastructure that's working to switch it off."

'He always said he wouldn't be seen dead with his shirt outside his trousers - he'll be livid.'

Hipster Police Department

"I think you're beard needs a trim..."

Come back in, no one will laugh at you.