Hoedown Humorist Gifts

'I'm learning to say Y'all and I like Grits.'

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

No Soliciting

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

'Now Featuring Gas-Fired Microwave Campfires!'

'On second thought, let's try it the other way around... My head on a lion's body.'

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

Pet psychic -- yup, she's for real.

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

F&E Stables. Horses Boarded. The owner of this horse is a huge fan of the late musician, "Prince." That explains the purple reins.

Yard Sale

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

It's from the homeowners association --- They want me to stop leaving my worries on the doorstep.

'The owner plays in the NBA.'

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

"You'll have to excuse my date. He spontaneously combusts from time to time."

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

'Beware you don't trip over him!'

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

'Have you been taking your medicine every day?'

'Doctor, did you say 5 minutes of traction, or 5 hours?'

'What makes you think the basement leaks?'

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

'Classic literature for D.I.Y. haters'