Higher Education Skeptic Gifts

'The good news is these grades are not good enough for me to get into an expensive college.'

'FOR THIS I WENT TO COLLEGE?'

Grad School Parent-Teacher Conference

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

'Seriously, in this day and age, how can people still believe in this nonsense that we have evolved from microbes...?'

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

Alternative Medicine

'A 'D' in physics and biology, an 'A' in reading aloud. What will ever become of this kid?'

"If your dad is truly the King of the Jungle, why can't you ask him to abolish school?"

"If we evolved from stupid people, why are there stupid people still around?"

'Einstein's theory of negativity'

Personnel. Now, I want you to forget everything you learned in school. I'm way ahead of you!

'OKAY, okay Sandra, I'll PAY for your University course. But it BETTER NOT cost me an arm and a leg!...'

End of Affirmative Action

First clue that the latest medical breakthrough isn't quite there yet - 'Don't worry, I had the same thing...'

'You're FLUNKING me? - Doesn't SENIORITY count for anything around here?'

'Can I help it if she's a rotten teacher?'

"If you get to be a stay-at-home dad, why can't I be a stay-at-home daughter?"

"What I like about intelligent design is that it explains everything will proving nothing."

'Who should be contacted in case of an accident? Why, 911, of course. And these people are going to be teaching my children.'

"If they de-regulate this place, we wouldn't have to do all those boring scientific tests."

Two plus two equals five. I don't think so. The earth is flat, or maybe it's shaped like a fish. Huh? Many Republican candidates don't believe in evolution!!! Math, science -- who needs 'em really. That's what I said in high school.

'I was born with math immunity, so I'm special. I know that.'

"Night of the living adjunct professor" "What's a sabbatical?" "Tenure is boring!" "I have four desks in four schools!" "I have more prestige than a grad student."

'Please help, ma'am. I need support to write my Ph.D. dissertation on 'Successful fund-raising techniques'.'

"I totally meant to do that."

'Trevor, it's some gentlemen to see you about your student loan.'

"Solar flares may be a contributing factor or perhaps it's a negative vibe sensitivity...."

"Recent studies now show that people who use the aphorism ‘whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ have compromised immune systems."

'It's just a conspiracy by scientists to get funding.'

"What's the point of school? We can just look all this stuff up on wikipedia."

"I hope that this is just a riot of passage."

"Dad just told me a weird stork story. He must be a creationist."

Today's Topic: "Intelligent Design." Do you believe in "intelligent design"? I did until I met you.

"Personally, this child would love to be 'left behind.'"