Higher Education Critic Gifts

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

"Yes, you are speaking to university admissions!"

"Night of the living adjunct professor" "What's a sabbatical?" "Tenure is boring!" "I have four desks in four schools!" "I have more prestige than a grad student."

What Happens in the Cal-Bunker

"Yes, our students complain about spending thousands on our bogus online programs. They paid for a real world education and that's what we gave them."

"Like I could date a guy from Notre Dame."

Toy Shops and Educated Children

'Child labor laws don't apply to homework, Jimmy.'

'In the future, everyone will have fifteen minutes of tenure.'

"I don't mind them counting the days 'til school's out, but I wish they wouldn't do it on their fingers."

"If you have to ask, you can't afford it."

Go to M.I.T., they said. You'll do great things, they said.

'My father says, these intelligence tests are biased towards the intelligent.'

'Please help, ma'am. I need support to write my Ph.D. dissertation on 'Successful fund-raising techniques'.'

'Remind me again, Dad. Why did you want me to get that college degree?'

"They make us learn reading, writing, and arithmetic to prepare us for a world of videotapes, computer terminals and calculators."

Cover Design for the Savoy (No. 7)- the Eternal Problem of Youth and Pedantry

'Going to school is NOT an abusive relationship!'

Uni. Snowflake Library

Cash For Places - Penbroke College

"What did I learn in school today...I learned I don't like school!"

Remembering the words of his 8th grade Algebra teacher, Moose bought his old middle school and made a mockery out of it.

"Why do I have to work hard at school? I can buy a degree on the internet!"

'It's all a load of Voltaire!'

'Dad said that experience is the best teacher, so I cut school and went to the video arcade.'

Cutting Room Floor

"The Feds have authorized me to leave your child behind."

'If we could just get rid of a few of these lecturers and students, we'd have a great university on our hands.'

"I see you graduated Summa Cum Laude, but then didn't your whole graduating class."

'Lincoln Standardized Test Center - formerly Lincoln High School'

"When do you teach us how to become motivated?"

The Yorkshire schoolmaster at the Saracen's Head

'I didn't know you could get a master's degree in soulless greed.'

Relax! The college process need not be stressful! Staying calm actually helps your child cope. Parents' night. Top colleges are brutally competitive. Even state universities are rejecting excellent students. I'm relaxed. Me too!

Cutting Room Floor