College Critic Gifts

'Liberal Arts' and 'Conservative Crafts.'

No Job Prospects? No Problem!

College students across the nation protest tuition hikes.

Penn State Honor 101

"If you have to ask, you can't afford it."

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

"Like I could date a guy from Notre Dame."

"Is there any way I could get a dashboard instead of a report card?"

"This is a test. This is only a test. IF this had been the real world it'd be your job you'd be fighting for, not a letter of the alphabet."

"What can I say? Second grade just hasn't lived up to the hype."

Master's Degrees of the Universe

'I wasn't playing hooky -- I was fleeing the deteriorating public school system.'

"One can be against entitlements, and still feel a sense of entitlement."

'In the future, everyone will have fifteen minutes of tenure.'

"Night of the living adjunct professor" "What's a sabbatical?" "Tenure is boring!" "I have four desks in four schools!" "I have more prestige than a grad student."

"...This is the only way I can get though college!"

Cash For Places - Penbroke College

Uni. Snowflake Library

"I won't do the 'What I did on my summer vacation' assignment. I consider it a privacy issue."

'I used to have serfs, but I've found that free-range peasants are more efficient.'

"O.K., here I am in the fourth grade, but is that really what I want to be doing with my life?"

"I don't want your teacher to think a kid with grades this bad....could possibly have a father who could read or write."

'It's all a load of Voltaire!'

"I need an editor."

'If we could just get rid of a few of these lecturers and students, we'd have a great university on our hands.'

"I like our history teacher, but he talks too much about the past."

'I want to open a joint account with the riches man in town. . .'

'I would probably do a lot better if you would just teach me stuff I already know.'

"When do you teach us how to become motivated?"

Cutting Room Floor

'It's not fair! I'm socially excluded from gang culture.'

'I didn't know you could get a master's degree in soulless greed.'

"Oh for goodness sake grow up Gerald. You know that just encourages them"

Scientific Research: '...The solar rotation theory...I figure it'll take years of heavily funded research to see if the sun really does set in the east...'

'Since when did we start getting report cards, too?'