Campus Critic Gifts

College $weater

Uni. Snowflake Library

'Damn! The uni has introduced new anti-student chairs."

University Admissions

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

"Like I could date a guy from Notre Dame."

"Is there any way I could get a dashboard instead of a report card?"

"This is a test. This is only a test. IF this had been the real world it'd be your job you'd be fighting for, not a letter of the alphabet."

'The reason the core curriculum seems so ambiguous is that we dot really have a core curriculum.'

"What can I say? Second grade just hasn't lived up to the hype."

"No, the Geo Metros, Hyundais, Rabbits, and Kias belong to faculty - the Alfa Romeos, BMWs, and Volvos belong to students."

Our college is tuned to the students' every need! Campus Visits. We have body image awareness week. Safe sex awareness week. Bullying, drug use and tolerance awareness weeks. What did I miss? Welcome. History, math or English awareness week? Great idea. I'll suggest that.

'I wasn't playing hooky -- I was fleeing the deteriorating public school system.'

'Oxford, Cambridge, Redbrick, Poly . . .'

"So basically you're telling us that you make the youngest of your species sit in a room for twelves years and that is an education. . . you're kidding, right?"

"If you have to ask, you can't afford it."

"Night of the living adjunct professor" "What's a sabbatical?" "Tenure is boring!" "I have four desks in four schools!" "I have more prestige than a grad student."

"...This is the only way I can get though college!"

Cash For Places - Penbroke College

"I won't do the 'What I did on my summer vacation' assignment. I consider it a privacy issue."

'Take this back to the committee. Since this is a school I would like the mission statement to mention education.'

Phrenology head filled with National Curriculum instead of real knowledge.

'Today I have dumbed-down philosophy, followed by dumbed-down chemistry and dumbed-down English lit.'

"O.K., here I am in the fourth grade, but is that really what I want to be doing with my life?"

"I don't want your teacher to think a kid with grades this bad....could possibly have a father who could read or write."

'It's all a load of Voltaire!'

Teachers Lounge. That's funny -- I was sure the "No Child Left Behind" act would cover field trips.

"For the next few hours, I'll be bringing you info with no tainment."

Publish or Perish: 'Welcome to the Team. Remember, if you follow the University Motto, you'll do fine...'

"Our curriculum focusses less on rote memorization and more on putzing around."

Teacher Shortage/Brain Shortage

'If we could just get rid of a few of these lecturers and students, we'd have a great university on our hands.'

"There was a time when only the rich went to university... now even they can't afford it."

"Call me when you get some current stuff."

"I like our history teacher, but he talks too much about the past."