Academia Critic Gifts

University Fee Freeze

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

"Like I could date a guy from Notre Dame."

Master's Degrees of the Universe

'Child labor laws don't apply to homework, Jimmy.'

'In the future, everyone will have fifteen minutes of tenure.'

"If you have to ask, you can't afford it."

"Night of the living adjunct professor" "What's a sabbatical?" "Tenure is boring!" "I have four desks in four schools!" "I have more prestige than a grad student."

Cash For Places - Penbroke College

Uni. Snowflake Library

"Data is just another way of never having to say you're sorry. You know that, David."

'I'm worried that if I study too hard, I couldn end up being a teacher.'

'It's all a load of Voltaire!'

'If we could just get rid of a few of these lecturers and students, we'd have a great university on our hands.'

"When do you teach us how to become motivated?"

Scientific Research: '...The solar rotation theory...I figure it'll take years of heavily funded research to see if the sun really does set in the east...'

Cutting Room Floor

4 Great Ways to Fail

'Since when did we start getting report cards, too?'

'I didn't know you could get a master's degree in soulless greed.'

'I think your test grading is biased in favor of students who answer the test questions correctly.'

"Yes, you are speaking to university admissions!"

'Caution: Some content may be offensive to sensitive students.'

The turner committee hated my entry..but the envelope made the shortlist.

A Book Review of the Phone Book: A hefty paperback with too many characters and not enough plot development. Next week, we'll review a more complex work--your phone bill.

"I learned some interesting things in school today. I read the graffiti on my desk."

'Damn! The uni has introduced new anti-student chairs."

Professor Krisps research suggested that the intelligensia where much more stupid than anyone had suspected

'Did you really? I flunked out of Bob Jones, too!'

"You only got into this school because your parents donated a lot of money, too?"

College: 'We do not discriminate on the basis of race, age, sex, or religion. Students must simply be able to afford $20,000 tuition per year.'

'Liberal Arts' and 'Conservative Crafts.'

College students across the nation protest tuition hikes.

"Don't get me wrong; I learned a lot in college. Just nothing applicable to real life."

What Happens in the Cal-Bunker