College Critics Gifts

"Like I could date a guy from Notre Dame."

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

"Is there any way I could get a dashboard instead of a report card?"

"This is a test. This is only a test. IF this had been the real world it'd be your job you'd be fighting for, not a letter of the alphabet."

"What can I say? Second grade just hasn't lived up to the hype."

'I wasn't playing hooky -- I was fleeing the deteriorating public school system.'

"One can be against entitlements, and still feel a sense of entitlement."

'In the future, everyone will have fifteen minutes of tenure.'

"If you have to ask, you can't afford it."

"Night of the living adjunct professor" "What's a sabbatical?" "Tenure is boring!" "I have four desks in four schools!" "I have more prestige than a grad student."

"...This is the only way I can get though college!"

"Buy stock in a college?...I don't think you can...but why would we?"

Uni. Snowflake Library

Cash For Places - Penbroke College

"I won't do the 'What I did on my summer vacation' assignment. I consider it a privacy issue."

'I used to have serfs, but I've found that free-range peasants are more efficient.'

"I don't want your teacher to think a kid with grades this bad....could possibly have a father who could read or write."

"O.K., here I am in the fourth grade, but is that really what I want to be doing with my life?"

'It's all a load of Voltaire!'

'I want to open a joint account with the riches man in town. . .'

"I like our history teacher, but he talks too much about the past."

'If we could just get rid of a few of these lecturers and students, we'd have a great university on our hands.'

'I would probably do a lot better if you would just teach me stuff I already know.'

"When do you teach us how to become motivated?"

'Since when did we start getting report cards, too?'

Cutting Room Floor

Scientific Research: '...The solar rotation theory...I figure it'll take years of heavily funded research to see if the sun really does set in the east...'

'I didn't know you could get a master's degree in soulless greed.'

4 Great Ways to Fail

'It's not fair! I'm socially excluded from gang culture.'

'He was a grateful man...just not in a good way.'

"Oh for goodness sake grow up Gerald. You know that just encourages them"

'I think your test grading is biased in favor of students who answer the test questions correctly.'

"Yes, you are speaking to university admissions!"

'Caution: Some content may be offensive to sensitive students.'