High-wire Humorist Gifts

'There I was, balanced on the wire, juggling balls like crazy when this yo-yo in the crowd hits me in the eye with a peanut.'

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"Well, at least it's an improvement from last night."

'Darn those neighbors. A cookie's missing.'

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

Smokers smoking on the moon, Astronauts smoking on the moon

"'Burned out,' Parker?- I wasn't aware you ever even 'caught fire.'"

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

'How much are your upside-down cakes? 99p.'

Come back in, no one will laugh at you.

Paunch and Judy.

'We can't serve you the businessman's lunch because you don't look the business type.'

"The tricky bit is finding some UK infrastructure that's working to switch it off."

"Well I got a dog because I wanted to spend more time brushing hair off my clothes, and picking up poop."

'He always said he wouldn't be seen dead with his shirt outside his trousers - he'll be livid.'

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

'Yes, we are dining by candlelight because I thought it would be romantic. And also, because I didn't pay my electricity bill.'

'This sermon will run a little longer because it's a sermon about sermons that run a little long.'

'This is getting to be too much for me. I'm thinking of becoming a middlebrow.'

"You're not just a number here. You're a number who hasn't been fired yet."

The log burner is good for the environment, but the chainsaw isn't.