Heavenly Humorist Gifts

"Surprise!"

"This is a little embarrassing to admit, but everything that happens happens for no real reason."

"I died in Buffalo."

Damn defibrillators.

"It was much nicer before people started storing all their personal information in the cloud."

A faulty part from an independent supplier leads to the creation of a multibillion-dollar sports medicine profession.

"This is Heaven, you idiot. Everything's perfect. There is no suggestion box."

'Maximising shareholder value doesn't count.'

"I have the whole universe to look after, so I'm putting you in charge of this planet."

"Quick! I need some more charitable donations!"

'You were a shoo-in. Then I stumbled across your blog.'

"These records are inaccurate, out of date and misleading. Haven't you got a priv

"We design them here, but the labor is cheaper in Hell."

"You can't bring that. Cleanliness may be next to godliness, but nature abhors the sound of a vacuum."

'I would have been here sooner if not for a wonderful caring doctor in the hospital.'

"Spent the first five years in Hell. I didn't sell my soul, I leased it."

'I suppose technically you're right. But we still prefer not to think of it as a gated community.'

A surprise in heaven

Guy at the gates of heaven but has to go through a maze to get there

Supply was out of harps.

'But if He's omniscient, wouldn't praying just annoy him?'

'I thought you did fine, but I'm afraid you didn't test well with the focus group.'

'I'm afraid you did commit all these sins, sir. Would you like to see the video?'

'According to this, you're out of compliance with EVERYTHING!'

"Apparently, too much of a good thing is a bad thing."

'Hey, don't look at me -- I was AGAINST free will.'

'I realize that this may be carping, but I never did live long enough to enjoy my I.R.A. account.'

'It doesn't matter that you never got caught!'

'The New York Times obituaries had some good things to say about you. However, none of them are in this book.'

'See, right here, rule number 6...'you can't take it with you!'

"You. You. And you."

'So what did you die of?' Reply - 'Alcoholism...and you?' Reply - 'Nationalism.'

'As it turned out, I was in the group that received nothing but a placebo the whole time.'

'When you pray, does God have call waiting?'

'I can remember when you could go out without having to worry!'