Heavenly Humor Gifts

'We put them on the stair master until their paperwork goes through'

'How long have you been dead? Do you have any complaints about your treatment here? Do you have any suggestions?'

"The last thing I remember is hearing the doctor say oops!"

'Well, I don't know anything about 'identity theft'. All I can tell you, is that according to these records you're already here.'

St Peter: 'The bike can stay. You, on the other hand, aren't on the list.'

Local News in Heaven

'It's true that I never fulfilled my early promise of greatness, but I DID manage to catch a lot of really outstanding TV!'

'No, I don't feel a draft.'

'In your defense, I see you're not very bright. Most folks take the elevator.'

"You say 'meek,' but your records say 'passive-aggressive.'"

'Pearly Gate? No, we call this the 'Evil-Sniffer 3000', but it's really just a metal detector.'

"And my board approved this?"

'Where in heavens did I leave that key???'

'What you did was not only 'wrong' - it was 'wrongedy-wrong-wrong'!'

"I'm not sorry to be here. My corns were killing me."

"But this is eternity...you've got to have a hobby!"

'You'll have to wait a couple of minutes... we're still downloading information from your soul's black box recorder.'

"I'd like you to meet Herb...on earth he was in the bagel business."

'No! No more harps! I can't take it anymore.'

"I like it here. It's nice being part of a flock."

'Sure, you meek guys will inherit the Earth -- as long as you're ready to take over the payments.'

Keyboard in Heaven

'I realize this might be carping,but I never did long enough to enjoy my IRA account.'

"You faked your death once before—how do I know you're not faking it now?"

"Well... I don't believe in you either!"

"And, of course, your phone plan comes with unlimited data."

Arnold had not been much of a saint in his life and now he paid the price.

"You're not a bird at a car wash. Stop it!"

'We definitely need tighter border controls!'

'We're not actually full, we just keep a line outside to make the place look good...'

'You may choose either everlasting life or whatever is behind the curtain.'

"Welcome - pleased to meet you! I'm the Entertainments Officer..."

"It's how I get someone's attention."

"Inland Revenue, sir. We have reason to believe you have found a way to take it with you."

"Of course we don't offer health care. You're dead."