Heat Wave Humorist Gifts

Melted ice cream van

"It was the hottest earth day since records began."

Man suggests roast butterfly for dinner in hot weather

'Gumby at the beach'

Global Warmer 2000.

"These desert mirages are virtually like being at the beach."

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

"Because you're a mechanic, we're going to do your hydrotherapy in a car pool."

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

"Oh, you know - wearing light clothing, drinking plenty of liquids, and avoiding strenuous activity."

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

'The trick to scaring surfers is to only show your dorsal fin when you surface next to them...'

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

Portrait sweating above a fireplace

"Well I got a dog because I wanted to spend more time brushing hair off my clothes, and picking up poop."

Paunch and Judy.

'How much are your upside-down cakes? 99p.'

"The tricky bit is finding some UK infrastructure that's working to switch it off."

'He always said he wouldn't be seen dead with his shirt outside his trousers - he'll be livid.'

Come back in, no one will laugh at you.

'We can't serve you the businessman's lunch because you don't look the business type.'

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

Keep Off The Hay