Healthcare Jester Gifts

"Do you carry generic placebos?"

"It's alright. Just let me know where I can get them."

"We better change that sign."

'What do you want first? The good news or the bad news? Mind you the bad news means there can't possible be any good news!'

'One of my back teeth is giving me terrible pain, can you see it?' - 'You mean the green one?.'

'Reflexes Normal.'

'Um ... no - I said we'll need a stool sample.'

'Because this is a very tricky operation.'

"Oh no .. Where's my ponytale ribbon?"

'You mean medical science hasn't come up with a cure for common cooties?'

"Well, if you haven't been taking your steroid tablets, what have you been doing with them?"

"The main problem for you must be the constant itching under you bandages..."

"And as soon as he's on the mend,we'll get the physiotherapist in here with a ball of twine."

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

"Objection, your honor, my client's feelings are being hurt."

'Take two and call me from the Emergency room.'

'Cut down on sodium? I'm taking that with a pinch of salt.'

'It's your four basic food groups.'

"We can give you enough medication to alleviate the pain, but not enough to make it fun."

"I give up. Where's the patient?'

'Could you stay out of the room for awhile, Nurse? -- Every time you walk in here, his testosterone levels surge.'

'You don't have a heart murmur, but your liver is muttering.'

'Anaesthetic ok?' - 'Yes, ten double scotches from the pub up the road.'

"OK, you're going to feel a little prick, followed by a burning desire to sue me."

'Brain surgery, Harold? Have you lost your mind?!'

'I might even change my views on genetics research if scientists could genetically engineer supreme court appointees!'

"Rolling pizza cutter."

'You can have general anesthesia or just be numbed from the wallet down.'

Heart Rate, Respiration, Insurance Remaining.

"Next time you give CPR try not to use your tongue."

'So did you want the ectomy, or just the otomy?'

'There's been unexpected complications involving your husband's bill.'

"I can't create your bride until you make your co-pay."

'You'd better stick with blurry eyes, anxiety attacks and hallucinations, because he drug prescription, I'd give,shows even greater side effects!'

"Med Brittle"