Health Jester Gifts

'Once he stopped sticking me with needles, I felt great!'

"You should have told be about the side effects."

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

"I feel off. I want to feel off and running."

'Cut down on sodium? I'm taking that with a pinch of salt.'

'Cock-a-doodle-doo!' 'Cut back on the chicken soup.'

"We can give you enough medication to alleviate the pain, but not enough to make it fun."

"I give up. Where's the patient?'

'He's all eyes!'

Good Cholesterol.

"OK, you're going to feel a little prick, followed by a burning desire to sue me."

'If you're into preparing healthy meals then I recommend the apricot brandy. It contains the antioxidant beta carotene.'

'You can have general anesthesia or just be numbed from the wallet down.'

"Med Brittle"

'Well my lightest ever was 7lbs 4oz. . .'

"Do you carry generic placebos?"

"I've decided to be an organ donor."

'Open your mouth and say 'Ah' -- I'm going to try some anti-virus software.'

'Um ... no - I said we'll need a stool sample.'

"We're trying to save your husband."

'Dont' operate any rocks or sticks while you're using this medication.'

'...time you had your ears syringed?'

'That's how much time your HMO allots for bypass surgery.'

'Jill, come take a look at Mr. Bolinder's EKG!'

'I wouldn't wait too long, for a limited time banks are offering low interest loans on coronary bypass surgery.'

"That's what I like about you, Abrams, you don't let a little illness keep you off the job."

The last 'take your mother to work' day.

CLINIC, 'Are you worried about passing your blood test?', 'Heck, no -- anybody can BLEED.'

"Now, you may feel a little pressure..."

'You mean medical science hasn't come up with a cure for common cooties?'

'Maybe I've got washboard abs underneath - you ever think that?'

Am I in good shape, Doc? If you think "spherical" is a good shape. (Published originally on January 9, 2014.)

'No, you can't count an extra olive in your martini as a serving of vegetables.'

'Your fat free bit, is right there, in the middle!'

'I'm trying to watch my weight so I hope that's low fat!'