Health Joker Gifts

"I thought you said you were watching your weight!"

'No, you can't count an extra olive in your martini as a serving of vegetables.'

'You're hosting a bacterial infection for some very prominent guest: all the Pains will be there, the Antibiotics will definitely show, but unfortunately alcohol will not be served.'

10K Run: Smoker's Lane.

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

'Actually I'm a nerdivore. I only eat your lamer plants and animals: duckbill platypi, cumquats, daffodils, the occasional mudshark.'

"I feel off. I want to feel off and running."

"He says that when he had a vegetable salad as an appetizer, he can now have burgers, pizza and Coke as a reward."

'I'm going to try that 'vegan' thing, Joe -- give me some beer nuts.'

'Cock-a-doodle-doo!' 'Cut back on the chicken soup.'

'Cut down on sodium? I'm taking that with a pinch of salt.'

'It's your four basic food groups.'

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens into my diet.'

'Anaesthetic ok?' - 'Yes, ten double scotches from the pub up the road.'

'You don't have a heart murmur, but your liver is muttering.'

"Yeah. I'm into fitness. Fittin' dis whole sammich in my mouth."

Maintenance & Repairs. No wonder health care is so expensive, they told me to take to tablets every four hours.

"Rolling pizza cutter."

'If you're into preparing healthy meals then I recommend the apricot brandy. It contains the antioxidant beta carotene.'

Roger couldn't understand why his diet wasn't working.

Chocolate Munchies. Only 100 calories...' awesome!' - '' - 'Runchy! Rurrgh!!' - '' - 'Oh, hold on. 100 calories per Munchie' - '' -

Jim's Smart Kettle

"An apple? Doesn't he have any pizza?"

"I'm not saying you have to give them up entirely, but you need to eat your young in moderation."

"5 second rule!"

'Lucky for you there was a safety net.'

'I thought you needed some exercise, so I packed 800 pounds of weights in your backpack.'

"I brought chips and cookies to snack on and baby carrots to sit unopened on the blanket."

'Well my lightest ever was 7lbs 4oz. . .'

"You know I always sit there for my keep fit programme!"

'This exercise bike's brilliant - it's MOTORISED!'

"You can't check my pulse while I'm checking your pulse!"

Football crazy

'...time you had your ears syringed?'