Wellness Jokers Gifts

'Well my lightest ever was 7lbs 4oz. . .'

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

'Cock-a-doodle-doo!' 'Cut back on the chicken soup.'

The nutritional devils and angels on your shoulder.

'I just came back from the allergist. I'm allergic to life.'

Maintenance & Repairs. No wonder health care is so expensive, they told me to take to tablets every four hours.

'If you're into preparing healthy meals then I recommend the apricot brandy. It contains the antioxidant beta carotene.'

"...and the King Cholesterol Meal comes with a side order of CPR."

'I understand the concept, sir, but I think I'd do better if it were a donut.'

'Pistachio ice cream does not cpont as a serving of greens.'

' ... and a side order of statins.'

'I have to ask; do you really care if your double-cheese bacon sausage pepperoni pizza is gluten-free?'

"I think that form '10,000' steps may have been 9,999 too many!"

"But is it Organic?"

"This IS our diet pizza. As I told you, it's a hole pie."

'...time you had your ears syringed?'

Fairy Tales in Pandemic Time

"Hold on! A new study says those are actually bad for you."

"In my expert medical opinion, you are suffering from hypochondria."

Am I in good shape, Doc? If you think "spherical" is a good shape. (Published originally on January 9, 2014.)

Health food and junk food

'Maybe I've got washboard abs underneath - you ever think that?'

'No, you can't count an extra olive in your martini as a serving of vegetables.'

I need something to hold my tummy in

"I work out so I don't have to eat kale."

'I'm trying to watch my weight so I hope that's low fat!'

HEALTH CLUB, 'It's just a bunch of guys sitting around eating breakfast cereal.'

'I've got to watch my health - I'm Type 2 diabolic!'

'You passed the physical, but your underwear is on the critical list.'

How's the diet going? - 'The first 8 minutes has been tough.' - 'How come?' - 'I had to skip my pre-mid morning post-mini-brunch snack.' - 'I don't think I can take it anymore...' - 'Hang in there, big guy...' -

Podiatry. If the frostbite was any worse we'd have to amputate. You just barely stayed out of the "toe away" zone!

'Well, Mrs. Gilner, comparing the numbers, everything looks great. Your cholesterol is right in line, blood pressure good... you're definitely as healthy as a horse.'

'Great, more trans-fats and cholesterol!'

'If you want me to play 'Smoke gets in your eyes', I'll have to read you this Surgeon General's warning first.'

Everything's a joke to you Fuscos! Even water retention! ??