Health Care Joker Gifts

'Your heart's in great shape, but I'd recommend transplanting all of your other body parts.'

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

"Damn it, nurse! I didn't ask for a twenty. I asked for a ten and two fives."

"He says that when he had a vegetable salad as an appetizer, he can now have burgers, pizza and Coke as a reward."

'I'm going to try that 'vegan' thing, Joe -- give me some beer nuts.'

'Take two and call me from the Emergency room.'

'It's your four basic food groups.'

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens into my diet.'

'Could you stay out of the room for awhile, Nurse? -- Every time you walk in here, his testosterone levels surge.'

'Anaesthetic ok?' - 'Yes, ten double scotches from the pub up the road.'

'You don't have a heart murmur, but your liver is muttering.'

"Rolling pizza cutter."

'If you're into preparing healthy meals then I recommend the apricot brandy. It contains the antioxidant beta carotene.'

'Brain surgery, Harold? Have you lost your mind?!'

Pharmaco. He writes drug side effect warnings. Ah, a health scare provider.

"Next time you give CPR try not to use your tongue."

'So did you want the ectomy, or just the otomy?'

Roger couldn't understand why his diet wasn't working.

Jim's Smart Kettle

'You'd better stick with blurry eyes, anxiety attacks and hallucinations, because he drug prescription, I'd give,shows even greater side effects!'

"I'd say it's a fungal infection."

"The results of the X-ray show that you have very poor health insurance."

"An apple? Doesn't he have any pizza?"

"Well the good news is that according to your insurance there is nothing wrong with you."

"5 second rule!"

'Lucky for you there was a safety net.'

'I don't need a bed pan, but an oil pan would be nice.'

"Do you carry generic placebos?"

'Well my lightest ever was 7lbs 4oz. . .'

"I brought chips and cookies to snack on and baby carrots to sit unopened on the blanket."

'Um ... no - I said we'll need a stool sample.'

"Got it!"