Headline Humorists Gifts

Subway. This headline says "New Home Construction Falls." That's ambiguous. It's either economic data or a report about builders doing shoddy work.

Polly txt speak

"They're wearing cameras. How humiliating."

"Relax. I just had a vitamin."

'A religious zealot denounces a toaster for working on the Sabbath'

'Too late...looks like they've already been pillaged.'

Alien embryo growing in earth.

"Puss in cement boots"

The First Fire Stick

Cloning Dept. Ooh! She's got your eyes and nose, mouth...

"Right now Arnold Schwarzenegger is doing sit-ups."

Giant Monster in Bath

'I'd think you'd be used to having a moat by now.'

"She's a miniature."

"What if we're just a ship in somebody's bottle? Yar, here comes me existential crisis."

'I don't remember this canoe being this heavy, do you Tom?'

'I hope you ain't got no tax up here!'

'I was told you two have a love-hate relationship. Care to elaborate on that?'

Selfish shellfish - 'You kids share your food and stop being shellfish!'

Baby being fed using a lego construction.

Rabies on board - a couple of rabid babies.

"He looks just like your husband."

"No, being declawed is the opposite of being a cyborg!"

'Adam, you left the toilet rock up again!'

"Penny's still having issues grasping 'icing the puck,' but she nailed 'offsides' and 'too many men' today!"

Limerick On A Grecian Urn

It started friendly enough...'I'm Henry VIII, my dear, but you may call me 'Hank'.'

"Have you tried carbon dating?"

'Surely they don't expect us to carry around THAT sort of money?'

'No worries Grizella, let me call my 'eye of newt' guy...'

'Justin, this isn't what I meant when I said we could make out like bandits.'

'HEY! Shouldn't that be a reef-knot?!'

"Those are the lyrics? How embarrassing—I've been singing it wrong this whole time."

Climbing with the baby

'To talk to men at their own level you have to talk a load of balls.'