Headline Humorist Gifts

Tabloid Times. Ernie, I need headlines for some articles --- First, the new upscale restaurant in the center city was cited for health code violations. "Fined Dining Downtown." This article says not many people were taken in by the latest gasoline-out-of-water scam. "Fuel Foolery Futile: Fools Few." At spring training, the local baseball club's best starter surprised team brass with a presentation demanding he be traded. "Star Makes Pitch -- Throws Management a Curve." And what about our

Daily News Headline Writing Dept. Editor. Here's a story about the government negotiating pacemaker prices with the manufacturers. "Ticker kicker dicker"!

Due to doom and gloom throughout the world, a laugh track will be added to tonight's newscast.

Nudist reads newspaper headline: Clothed rambler strikes again.

Man Reading story 'U.F.O. Sighted' with alien peeking over his shoulder.

Tabloid clippings.

'I always said those implants were dangerous.'

"Do journalists know... not everybody enjoys a pun?"

Medical Marijuana: Take a toke before watching the news.

Local Man Freezes to Death Selling Newspapers

"A man threatens to destroy town with army of turtles after dispute with city hall. Local authorities initiate a shell-ter in place in preparation for the noc-turtle invasion."

"Wait a minute, that's fake news right?"

"Lassie, go get help!" "Oh Timmy you idiot! Not again!"

"Being raised in the city, Fred didn’t quite grasp the true purpose of a game camera."

"In high school, I was quite the star in metal shop."

Copycats

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"'I don't want war'. . . well, wither our translation program is broke or this president has a strange kind of humor!"

In his younger days Spock was quite the comedian.

"Now, were those friends of your Gettys or Gottis?"

'My body has rejected every diet I've tried.'

'Of course I'll still love you when you're old and skinny!'

"These are the very weapons your mother and I used in our famous duel."

"Couldn't you have just laughed instead of spelling 'LOL' in your alphabet soup?"

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

'..and we thank thee for these bio-engineered vegetables..'

Seniors Snooker Tournament.

I will study my speling words...

'As you can see by the pie chart, most of our expenses go to well, pie.'

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

"Even the waiters here are organic."

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

"Well, isn't that embarrassing."

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

"Boss, the AI is actually smarter than all of us! It read our business forecast, jumped up and ran out laughing!"