Headline Dodger Gifts

Fear of news.

"Yeah, but that one's a little bit hard to reach."

"When you hear me begin talking about our lousy sales figures, you guys create a distraction."

'Now,they're going to teach you to talk, but remember, after you learn how.stay away from religion or politics.'

"For the last time - do not call me when I'm pretending to work."

'officially, I'm on leave, but I'm really just ducking the media.'

"Knowing two languages is sure handy when telemarketers call."

"I think I'll pass - I'm having a really bad-nose day."

"How do I turn off my camera so no one stares?"

'I find the easiest way to expand my vocabulary is to make up words.'

"Arithmetic doesn't agree with me."

Bureaucracy (Murphy's law)

"Can you send me a text so I can use it as a ruse to get out of this conversation?"

"I've had custom reading glasses made that blot out the words 'brexit' and 'royal.'"

'I gained about two hours a day. I gave up the New York Times.'

"Sorry, I'm afraid he can't come to the phone right now."

'The person you called may be toying with the olive in her cocktail, please try again later.'

'No need to put my details in darlin'... You're the girl for me!'

"If you don't wish to hear the match result look away now."

"If it's the ice princess, I'm not here."

"This is definitely the last time for Chapter Seventeen!"

Bob worked hard to avoid the spotlight.

'Does the Fifth Amendment apply to report cards?'

"I'm had a miserable day, so I'd appreciate it if neither of you mention politics, wildfires or COVID."

"If that's for me, tell them I'm in a meeting."

"So I'm thinking...why bother with all the junk mail?"

'That's it, Darlene -- conserve your energy for the final lap! Stay right in her draft!'

'I know, but I still hate Mondays.'

Cone of Silence

'Maybe he doesn't want to know what's going on in the world.'

'I found I'm able to maintain my disposition by not watching any economic or employment news.'

'I'm eating right now. Can you call me back when I'm not eating?'

"Hey, can I call you back in about a nap and a half?"

"Hi, this is RFK Jr." "Who?" "I'm just calling to remind you I'm still running for president." "Oh. Ok, now you have a good time." "I'm also calling to remind you I'm available for speaking engagements at your large rally, small rally, bar mitzvah, or assorted car wash openings." "Would you like me to speak at your function?" "Oh no, that's all right. Don't worry about it."