Numbers Dodger Gifts

"When you hear me begin talking about our lousy sales figures, you guys create a distraction."

Fear of news.

'You know, this is a pretty dangerous line of work you're in...'

"For the last time - do not call me when I'm pretending to work."

Mary had a little spam

Minefield! Thank you for treading carefully.

'I won't be taking any more calls today. I threw my phone out the window.'

"Knowing two languages is sure handy when telemarketers call."

"I think I'll pass - I'm having a really bad-nose day."

"I'm the designated driver."

"Son, I’d say the ACL tear is the least of your problems."

'I find the easiest way to expand my vocabulary is to make up words.'

"Arithmetic doesn't agree with me."

Bureaucracy (Murphy's law)

Trying to come up with yet another password...

"Sorry, I'm afraid he can't come to the phone right now."

"Can you send me a text so I can use it as a ruse to get out of this conversation?"

"If it's the ice princess, I'm not here."

"If you don't wish to hear the match result look away now."

Double-glazing salesman's spiel sends household to sleep.

'That's why your checkbook balance looks so good. You sent all of your online bills to the junk file.'

"Yeah, almost didn't make it out of that one."

'The person you called may be toying with the olive in her cocktail, please try again later.'

'No need to put my details in darlin'... You're the girl for me!'

"This is definitely the last time for Chapter Seventeen!"

You are here... ...Run!!!

'Darling, I've just deleted the computer,'

'Does the Fifth Amendment apply to report cards?'

'After a close examination I think I know why Tabatha keeps wandering onto busy roads.'

"No, I'm not going to work. I sent my computer to work for me. The screen has a photo of my face, so people will think it's me."

Cycling Deaths

'The poor lamb's having a rest, Mum, exhausted after putting a new toilet roll on the holder...'

'That's it, Darlene -- conserve your energy for the final lap! Stay right in her draft!'

"Slammed the door in your face, huh? Guess she really meant that NO SOLICITORS sign!"

"If that's for me, tell them I'm in a meeting."