Guru Wisdom Critic Gifts

'Oh, I'm not a guru -- I'm just up here on the advice of my tax accountant.'

'I'm just not sure how much more I can teach you.'

Vanna White: The Later Years.

"Dont believe anything those guys have told you. None of it. It's all B.S."

Mood swings: Swing 1 - 'Looks like it's going to be another wonderful day!' Swing 2 - 'Who CARES link brain! I hope it rains acid!!' Swing 3 - 'I think i'm going to CRRRY!'

Sport, Political, Religious and New Yorker Cartoonist Gurus.

Jasper Coot: 'Osama shoulda named me to the Supreme Court! I ain't no judge, so I'm qualified! Hell. I ann't even a damn lawyer! But Lord knows, I am judgemental!

'I try to avoid the trap of letting my idleness define me.'

'I got my degree by watching JEOPARDY.'

If your question concerns your golf ball, the answer is yes, I know where it is.

Nicholas Parsons RIP

Robert the Brucie.

Do not ask if you are truly hitting yourself. Rather, ask why are you hitting yourself, why are you hitting yourself. Guru Brothers.

"The first step toward enlightenment is dissillusionment."

Um... Can I get an 'L', Pat?

"The Great Source keeps afloat, along with a little help from the sharks there."

"What do you mean, 'There can be no ethics without fear of God'?! Look at me - all ethical and shit!"

'How can I enjoy 'Jeopardy' when she keeps blurting out the answers?'

"It's worth a try! Maybe someone up there knows how to fold a fitted bedsheet!"

"And now, to explain the format for tonight's political debate..."

'To be honest, you're the only one who sometimes bothers to hear my complaints.'

'How will I know when I've found my soul mate, Fang?'

"Angry or Hangry?

Andy Hamilton

"Well, for starters, you’re holding the shovel all wrong."

'New style judiciary' Is that your final answer?

"It's our view that this two-tier system is unfair and divisive."

'FQ...?'

"Whoa, whoa, big guy with all your ‘meaning of life’ mumbo jumbo—I just want my kid to pick up her room."

"Once again the correct answer is 'I don't know.'"

"We've been here forty years - When do we get our golden parachutes?"

Dial-A-Prayer and Dial-A-Mantra

'This is goodbye, Goopta -- I've decided to make a career move to the Scientologists.'

'That's right. I took all your money and didn't teach you a darn thing -- enlightening, isn't it?'

Phone Quiz - Your Chance of Winning Is: A A Cat in Hells, B A Cat in Hells, C All of the Above.