Guru Critic Gifts

'That's right. I took all your money and didn't teach you a darn thing -- enlightening, isn't it?'

'Hey! Contemplate your own navel!'

"O.K., O.K., people - we're not workshopping these, they're already set in stone."

'I'm just not sure how much more I can teach you.'

At the 2021 Religious Games

'Uh, Dad - My wife thinks she and I should have a mountain of our own.'

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

'The secret to great wealth and spiritual contentment? Ok, hold on...I think I've got an app for that..'

Guru.

'Wish you wouldn't cut your nails at bedtime!'

"I seek enlightenment - and a way to outsource our company's tech support."

How's my enlightenment? Call 1-800-Nirvana.

'I was trying to extinguish my ego, and I got an Out of Memory Error.'

"To mediate properly, you need a mantra. How about 'Ka-Ching'?"

OM, SWEET OM

'I warned him about thinking the unthinkable!'

Mood swings: Swing 1 - 'Looks like it's going to be another wonderful day!' Swing 2 - 'Who CARES link brain! I hope it rains acid!!' Swing 3 - 'I think i'm going to CRRRY!'

"You've traveled all this way just to score some pot? Okay—How much do you want?"

'The trouble is, once you've attained enlightenment, it's all downhill.'

'Now, until you've attained perfect wisdom, you'll have to learn to evade questions.'

Bearded old man atop mountain.

Sport, Political, Religious and New Yorker Cartoonist Gurus.

'Come back in two months the meaning of life can change, depending if the market is bullish or bearish.'

"As for the meaning of life, it doesn't have to suck."

'I try to avoid the trap of letting my idleness define me.'

The Guru is away to negotiate movie rights for his best-selling book, 'Money Won't Make You Happy'."

"I thought I'd be lonely at the top."

'Sometimes I think about getting away from all this and get a job as a cab driver in New York city...'

'See what happens when meditation isn't supervised?'

Just think of meditation as "mental floss." (Published previously on 3/17/2006.)

Four Types of Critics

'Oh wise one - what is the secret to long life?'

'To become ONE with the Universe, you must first become COMPLIANT with the Universe!'

'I'm still working on the mystery of how to make a decent living with a tip jar.'

Cable Bill.