Critique Guru Gifts

The Art Critic

Academic Idol - 'Professor Johannsen's paper was zippy. It had robust vocabulary and I almost felt that I could dance to it. I would give it a 7.'

Lesser known greek gods,

"O.K., O.K., people - we're not workshopping these, they're already set in stone."

The writers group met every Tuesday for support and fellowship.

'What have you got for the man who knows everything?'

Filling the Missile Gap

"Regarding the plot of your novel ... what on earth were you thinking?"

"Get off the stage and get a copy of 'Studies of Laughter in Interaction'—I think you'll enjoy it."

Learn to Be a Critic In The Privacy Of Your Own Home With The Apex Correspondence School Of Criticism!

"It has great depth, realized with such a unique economy of paint application... yet, there remains a curious aura of drivel I can't dismiss."

An acceptable level of TV violence.

Musical genres

'Mummy, the review of this book was more interesting.'

'You are doing it wrong.'

"The audience is really classy tonight, they are throwing quail eggs."

'He's a parody of a tired genre.'

'Just tell me. You don't need to drag that out every time I ask how I look.'

The Real Russian history

"Well...I notice a little criticism on my leadership style..."

"They're going to print a retraction - your desserts are not inconsistent."

'I didn't choose art. Art chose me!'

'Nice show but you could use some cartoons.'

"It's a postmodern mosaic, almost lyrical in its undercurrent." "My five-year-old will be happy to hear that."

"Now on view: Old paintings by dead white men through whenever…"

"To me..It says Art Council crap regional funding"

Four Types of Critics

Cartoon Editor: No, No, No, No, No, No, Maybe.

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

"Right here is where you lost the narrative flow."

'Too many cliches? Now hold your horses!'

"He's a mental-health critic."

"The first step toward enlightenment is dissillusionment."

Talking Books: 'Push button to hear what critics say about...'

"But is it art?"