Critique Guru Gifts

The Art Critic

Academic Idol - 'Professor Johannsen's paper was zippy. It had robust vocabulary and I almost felt that I could dance to it. I would give it a 7.'

"O.K., O.K., people - we're not workshopping these, they're already set in stone."

Lesser known greek gods,

The writers group met every Tuesday for support and fellowship.

'What have you got for the man who knows everything?'

"Regarding the plot of your novel ... what on earth were you thinking?"

"Get off the stage and get a copy of 'Studies of Laughter in Interaction'—I think you'll enjoy it."

Filling the Missile Gap

Learn to Be a Critic In The Privacy Of Your Own Home With The Apex Correspondence School Of Criticism!

Musical genres

An acceptable level of TV violence.

'Mummy, the review of this book was more interesting.'

"It has great depth, realized with such a unique economy of paint application... yet, there remains a curious aura of drivel I can't dismiss."

'You are doing it wrong.'

"The audience is really classy tonight, they are throwing quail eggs."

The Real Russian history

'Just tell me. You don't need to drag that out every time I ask how I look.'

'He's a parody of a tired genre.'

"Well...I notice a little criticism on my leadership style..."

'I didn't choose art. Art chose me!'

Cartoon Editor: No, No, No, No, No, No, Maybe.

Four Types of Critics

"To me..It says Art Council crap regional funding"

'Nice show but you could use some cartoons.'

"Now on view: Old paintings by dead white men through whenever…"

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

"It's a postmodern mosaic, almost lyrical in its undercurrent." "My five-year-old will be happy to hear that."

"They're going to print a retraction - your desserts are not inconsistent."

"Right here is where you lost the narrative flow."

'Too many cliches? Now hold your horses!'

"He's a mental-health critic."

"But is it art?"

Talking Books: 'Push button to hear what critics say about...'

Teacher giving marks out of ten to builder repairing wall in school.