Guilt Juggler Gifts

'We just couldn't live with ourselves if we put mother in a home...'

That party went well.

'There are lies, damn lies, and statistics. We're looking for someone who can make all three of these work for us.'

Stop and Birch

"Why do parishioners only eat half their donuts???" "Partial indulgence."

"My wife's lawyer doesn't understand me."

"I had considered hyphenating my last name, but now I'm leaning towards and underscore."

Education Guidance

'We don't have anyone here by that name. Was he perhaps using one of his aliases?'

If you're a multiple personality could you spare an identity for an amnesiac?

"Oops! My mistake, that was your projected trial load for this year, not this month."

"I wish I had done more pro bono work. I need the tax write offs."

"Shister and Shyster Attorneys at law"

A statue of Mercury is defaced with a purse, stockings, a bra and lipstick.

"As your attorney, Roger, I feel it's my duty to charge you an enormous amount of money."

"My name is Phil, and I, too, am..."

"I never promised I would get you off. I alleged it."

Triple espresso. Forget it, Uncle Mort. Your doctors said no caffeine. I am not your Uncle Mort, I am someone else altogether. Oh yeah? Who are you? I am … Drinkum … Coffeeman … Worthington-Smythe … of the Florida Coffeeman-Worthington-Smythes. You may have heard of us ... we're a family of um ... Troubadours. I, myself, wrote several ballads for the likes of Sinatra, Pat Boone, and Jimi Hendrix. So if I were to Google that right now, Google would confirm that? Google is an abomination!!! One ge

"Oh I never lose any sleep over my criminal cases. I figure that even if I lose, I'm not the one going to Jail!"

"I'm using my married name right now, but I'm keeping my maiden name on ice, just in case."

'I really don't need to go to church, Reverend -- I feel guilty enough without it.'

'The Constitution guarantees you a speedy trial -- so hold on tight!'

'I may not know much about art but I know what I like to slag off.'

Swiss army justice.

'I like my plea bargain better. I plead guilty and you dismiss the charges.'

"I'm doing my part to conserve electricity."

'God, I hate Sunday mornings.'

"Bad case of 'Swivel Neck' comes from trying to watch too many games at the same time!"

"These new regulations will fundamentally change the way we get around them."

'Well, technically speaking, we do have a conscience...'

Let's merge and cut out the middle man.

Unicyclist painting a ceiling,

Parole officer: Hanging in and hanging out.

'Part of me wants to get caught. I need to get in touch with that part and beat the hell out of it.'

Well, I can't sit around all day - I have things to do.