Grunting Guru Gifts

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

"And this song goes out there to any girl who might consider sleeping with me."

'I'm just not sure how much more I can teach you.'

At the 2021 Religious Games

'Oh Hi!'

'Uh, Dad - My wife thinks she and I should have a mountain of our own.'

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

Where 'Pastor'-ized Milk Comes From...

"Now, suppose some guy comes at you balanced between two blocks."

'The secret to great wealth and spiritual contentment? Ok, hold on...I think I've got an app for that..'

Guru.

Getting through the week.

"I seek enlightenment - and a way to outsource our company's tech support."

How's my enlightenment? Call 1-800-Nirvana.

'Eat the grass in perfect circles. It drives them crazy.'

'Wish you wouldn't cut your nails at bedtime!'

100k Desert Crawl

'I was trying to extinguish my ego, and I got an Out of Memory Error.'

OM, SWEET OM

"To mediate properly, you need a mantra. How about 'Ka-Ching'?"

"Wait, I've got sand in my shoe."

'The trouble is, once you've attained enlightenment, it's all downhill.'

'I warned him about thinking the unthinkable!'

Mood swings: Swing 1 - 'Looks like it's going to be another wonderful day!' Swing 2 - 'Who CARES link brain! I hope it rains acid!!' Swing 3 - 'I think i'm going to CRRRY!'

"You've traveled all this way just to score some pot? Okay—How much do you want?"

'Tell us what you've done with all the grass!'

Bearded old man atop mountain.

"As for the meaning of life, it doesn't have to suck."

The Guru is away to negotiate movie rights for his best-selling book, 'Money Won't Make You Happy'."

'I try to avoid the trap of letting my idleness define me.'

"Whole bean or ground relentlessly to dust?"

Just think of meditation as "mental floss." (Published previously on 3/17/2006.)

"I thought I'd be lonely at the top."

"I promise you. One day granite kitchens will be the in thing."