Grump Guru Gifts

Help the Humorless

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'I had my attorney draw this up. It states that if I choose to rise, I don't necessarily have to shine.'

"And this song goes out there to any girl who might consider sleeping with me."

'Wait! That's not one of your novelty slippers...that's the cat!'

Broken Alarm Clock.

'Looks like no Christmas bonus this year.'

Getting through the week.

'Did you use mouthwash this morning?'

"He was a grouch when I met him. It was love at first gripe."

'...And you're always complaining about the government's international trade agreements'

"I know it's tough to get motivated on Mondays, but..."

'Why am I such a grouch?'

"Wait, I've got sand in my shoe."

"Everybody's doing quinoa—at least Kamut still has a nice grainier-than-thou quality."

'Next time you feel like keeping in touch, keep in touch with somebody else.'

Mood swings: Swing 1 - 'Looks like it's going to be another wonderful day!' Swing 2 - 'Who CARES link brain! I hope it rains acid!!' Swing 3 - 'I think i'm going to CRRRY!'

'Misery is sleeping in late on Saturday morning then realizing it's only Wednesday...'

I am coffee and I need more coffee

"I much prefer the evening milking to the morning one: The farmer is not a "morning person", now is he?"

The staple grains tended to look down on the more specialized fare... like quinoa.

'This may be the only time I'll ever bring you breakfast in bed - So wake up!'

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

"Whole bean or ground relentlessly to dust?"

'I try to avoid the trap of letting my idleness define me.'

'Bonny, I've forgotten...What time is that 9 o'clock meeting tomorrow?...'

The morning show for people who HATE mornings

'Cheer up...'

Courtney Love

I'm going to hate myself in the morning, but I hate everything in the morning.

'If you get one who refuses to wake up, pour it in his lap.'