Grouchiness Guru Gifts

'Dear, your father is just a big crab these days.'

'The secret to life, my friend, is hoppiness!'

'I swear by my spell checker. I have a mental block for spelling. Even 'Hooqued on Foniks' didn't help.'

"He was a grouch when I met him. It was love at first gripe."

Happy hour.

'Why am I such a grouch?'

Mood swings: Swing 1 - 'Looks like it's going to be another wonderful day!' Swing 2 - 'Who CARES link brain! I hope it rains acid!!' Swing 3 - 'I think i'm going to CRRRY!'

"Wait, I've got sand in my shoe."

Hippie Edibles Co.

'I try to avoid the trap of letting my idleness define me.'

'Cheer up...'

"What do you mean, 'There can be no ethics without fear of God'?! Look at me - all ethical and shit!"

'I wish John would stop using that gourmet pet food that makes gravy when you add water.'

"Perhaps a dirge would lift your spirits?"

At the Irritable Bowel Syndrome Convention.

Middle age means a constant struggle not to be irritated by everyone and everything.

Actual reader mail. Dear Dr. Sadie, Bless you Doctor. I wrote you back last July and asked you if I could expand my grumpiness beyond getting up in the morning. I took your wonderful advice and now there isn't a neighbor, fellow employee or friend that's not fed up with me. You have given me a new existence and once I get out of this lousy jail I'll let the rest of the world know just how annoying I am. I owe it all to you, Sadie. If you ever need a testimonial, call me. Signed, An ol' stick in

'To be honest, you're the only one who sometimes bothers to hear my complaints.'

"People keep telling me that it takes more facial muscles to frown than it does to smile... I tell them that I am working out."

I brought your coffee and a list of new things about the world you're going to have to learn to accept

"Of course we should get equal pay, it's time men realised we're just as greedy as they are."

'He's switched from tweeting on Twitter to growling on a new social media site called Growler. Suits him better.'

"Being in the now today sure ain't like the good ol' now!"

Uncle Murray Weekly

"Gravy turned out a little thick."

Desk Organizer: In and Far Out, Man.

"Well, we’ve covered the weather, my prostate, your incontinence … I suppose our idiot children are up next?"

George has been trying for years to get Margaret to stop feeding the deer...

"You're still grumpy. See if you can get a refund on that Happy Meal."

'The gravy turned out a bit thick.'

'FQ...?'

"Perhaps you slept SLOWER than usual..."

"My family likes to set up our grudges at Thanksgiving, stew over them through December, then take our revenge at Christmas."

'Maybe the world isn't getting less friendly, maybe you're just getting grumpier.'

'Remind me, what should I be thanking my lucky stars for?'