Grumpiness Gurus Gifts

"Irritable bowls syndrome."

"I hope you don't call that a party face."

Mood swings: Swing 1 - 'Looks like it's going to be another wonderful day!' Swing 2 - 'Who CARES link brain! I hope it rains acid!!' Swing 3 - 'I think i'm going to CRRRY!'

"Wait, I've got sand in my shoe."

'Why am I such a grouch?'

'Oh that?... It has nothing to do with the formula; it just makes the whole thing seem less grumpy.'

'I try to avoid the trap of letting my idleness define me.'

Everyone at happy hour is grumpy.

"You have the Hum bug.'

Thanks for making the breakfast meeting, Harris.

'Cheer up...'

At the Irritable Bowel Syndrome Convention.

'To be honest, you're the only one who sometimes bothers to hear my complaints.'

Middle age means a constant struggle not to be irritated by everyone and everything.

Actual reader mail. Dear Dr. Sadie, Bless you Doctor. I wrote you back last July and asked you if I could expand my grumpiness beyond getting up in the morning. I took your wonderful advice and now there isn't a neighbor, fellow employee or friend that's not fed up with me. You have given me a new existence and once I get out of this lousy jail I'll let the rest of the world know just how annoying I am. I owe it all to you, Sadie. If you ever need a testimonial, call me. Signed, An ol' stick in

"People keep telling me that it takes more facial muscles to frown than it does to smile... I tell them that I am working out."

I brought your coffee and a list of new things about the world you're going to have to learn to accept

'He's switched from tweeting on Twitter to growling on a new social media site called Growler. Suits him better.'

'See, it's right here in the prenup. Just because I rise, it doesn't necessarily mean I have to shine.'

"Well, we’ve covered the weather, my prostate, your incontinence … I suppose our idiot children are up next?"

"You're still grumpy. See if you can get a refund on that Happy Meal."

"Is everything okay, dear? You're smiling!"

"Being in the now today sure ain't like the good ol' now!"

I HATE STUFF

'FQ...?'

Uncle Murray Weekly

'Maybe the world isn't getting less friendly, maybe you're just getting grumpier.'

Wife about mad man leaving church: 'You'll have to excuse my husband. He always wakes up grumpy.'

"But a deep sense of grievance and indignation IS my Happy Place."

'Dinner.'

'Face it Marvin, you're a madstrom of conflicting emotions.'

"Sorry, my mind was wandering. Were we complaining about today's youth, the government or the weather?"

Moan Pig.

Pissed-off hour.

'Be advised, Monday through Thursday I don't do 'perky'.'