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'Dear, your father is just a big crab these days.'

'The secret to life, my friend, is hoppiness!'

'I swear by my spell checker. I have a mental block for spelling. Even 'Hooqued on Foniks' didn't help.'

"He was a grouch when I met him. It was love at first gripe."

Happy hour.

Mood swings: Swing 1 - 'Looks like it's going to be another wonderful day!' Swing 2 - 'Who CARES link brain! I hope it rains acid!!' Swing 3 - 'I think i'm going to CRRRY!'

"Wait, I've got sand in my shoe."

'Why am I such a grouch?'

Hippie Edibles Co.

'I try to avoid the trap of letting my idleness define me.'

'I wish John would stop using that gourmet pet food that makes gravy when you add water.'

"What do you mean, 'There can be no ethics without fear of God'?! Look at me - all ethical and shit!"

'Cheer up...'

'To be honest, you're the only one who sometimes bothers to hear my complaints.'

At the Irritable Bowel Syndrome Convention.

Middle age means a constant struggle not to be irritated by everyone and everything.

"Perhaps a dirge would lift your spirits?"

"People keep telling me that it takes more facial muscles to frown than it does to smile... I tell them that I am working out."

I brought your coffee and a list of new things about the world you're going to have to learn to accept

"Of course we should get equal pay, it's time men realised we're just as greedy as they are."

'The gravy turned out a bit thick.'

Desk Organizer: In and Far Out, Man.

"Being in the now today sure ain't like the good ol' now!"

George has been trying for years to get Margaret to stop feeding the deer...

"Perhaps you slept SLOWER than usual..."

'FQ...?'

"Gravy turned out a little thick."

"Well, we’ve covered the weather, my prostate, your incontinence … I suppose our idiot children are up next?"

Uncle Murray Weekly

"My family likes to set up our grudges at Thanksgiving, stew over them through December, then take our revenge at Christmas."

'Maybe the world isn't getting less friendly, maybe you're just getting grumpier.'

'Remind me, what should I be thanking my lucky stars for?'

Wife about mad man leaving church: 'You'll have to excuse my husband. He always wakes up grumpy.'