Greasy Spoon Diner Gifts

"Wake me at five tonight with the full English."

'Now that's what I call a kebab... a skewer with whole pies!'

"Vitamin B6, Vitamin B12, Calcium, Kelp, Brewer's Yeast, Aspirin?"

'Do you want me to get the fish bone out, or not?'

"The secret of my success is combining eggs, meat and bread in enough ways to make an eight page breakfast menu."

'Six different chefs in six months and they still can't make a decent broth!'

Beef stew 50c. (In a bowl - $1.75)

All-Day Breakfast

'Tomato ketchup?' 'Well you wanted the house red.'

"One spaghetti, and two straws please."

Leftovers restaurant - for that unpretentious dining.

"We suggest you study the menu in our reading room before being seated in the dining room."

"And I get a really, really tall straw?"

Heimlich maneuver, Gastric bypass surgery, Liver transplant.

Eat Locally - All Roadkill From 8-Mile Radius

'The customer is always right...'

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

Sushi Train Spotters

Dave's Hamburger Shop

'Excellent cork, go ahead and pour.'

'I'll have the steak.' (Fish in tank start jumping for joy).

'It takes all day to eat it.'

'How d'you want your eggs - down your pants, over your head...?'

'Oh boy, my favourite: Cheese Fondue...'

"My apologies, but that's not a meatball. That's my computer mouse. I've been looking for it."

"The catch of the day is halibut. The day it was caught was last Tuesday."

"We only do salads. There's no need to keep warning customers that the plates are cold."

"Why don't I start you off with the contact information of everyone who's read those menus over the last 14 days?"

"No, we don't have field to plate provenance for each bean."

Alf's Cafe - Egg, Bacon and Tomato Plate, Catering Pack.

Fast Food Restaurant

"When it's extremely cold out, I prefer flambés to winter stews."

'Yes, all our flambe dishes come with injury, liability insurance.'

Sorry, that's probably one of mine.

"There's a free pudding for whoever finds the Chef's glass eye."