Grape Genius Gifts

'How impressive! I had no idea they awarded a Nobel Prize for home winemaking.'

"Oh, the '94 - the best thing you can say about the '94 is that the '95 was worse."

The Vineyard

'Well, now that I know he's the owner's son, yes, he's the best damned wine steward I've ever seen.'

Wine Lady

"Unfortunately, the consumer was not as demanding as we had hoped."

"Umm ... not sure what notes you'll detect on your palate, but it'll get you ripped."

'Plastic corks, then screw caps; when they come out with a flip-n-sip Chateau Petrus I'm hanging up my tastevin.'

Tarzan of the Grapes.

"Is there any way I can un-drink this wine?"

Sale! Weed Whackers

'Which wine list would you like, Sir - Classics or Plonk?'

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

'No, you're not calling at a bad time. I'm a professional wine taster - it's alwasys a good time.'

"Is Pinot Noir where you want to be?"

"In our house the four major food groups are Bordeaux, Merlot, Chardonnay and Champagne."

'So much for your theory that mixing two 50-point-rated wines equals one rated 100.'

Wine Tasting and Wine Guzzling

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

'Think, son! What was that formula you fed that tree?!'

I'm getting an ample full taste... I'm getting whimsical... I'm getting 'red'

'It has to breathe for exactly 22 minutes; then I can pour you a glass - right after the sacrifice.'

Pick me! 2002 was a very good year! No! Me! I'm excellent with beef and fish. Desperate House Wines.

'I've written six books on wine; owned my own winery and taught a wine class for two years. My next goal is to taste some.'

'Are you sure this wine is ten years old?' - 'Yes, I remember opening it ten years ago.'

An Excellent Nose for Wine.

'We outsource our grape juice, marketing, bottling and distribution, and yet he's supposed to give a speech tonight on winemaking - bosses,outsources,outbetter show him what a grape looks like.'

The Grapes of Wrath finally get some professional help.

Red Wine

Spiro & Pusho: watering the vine and the neighbour.

Wine tasting

"I've tried that one; it's a blend of 74 different red grapes - including two of the plastic decorative type."

'I, Dom Perignon, will now uncork the very first bottle of Champagne. Of course, I'm just guessing this is the right way to do it.'

"I spent all day looking for this Malbec, not that anybody cares."

"When a wine rates over ninety, this is not alcoholism."