Grape Stomping Guru Gifts

Creative labeling

"My husband makes this wine."

Pete Townshend Vineyards

The Vineyard

'Well, now that I know he's the owner's son, yes, he's the best damned wine steward I've ever seen.'

'Plastic corks, then screw caps; when they come out with a flip-n-sip Chateau Petrus I'm hanging up my tastevin.'

'Which wine list would you like, Sir - Classics or Plonk?'

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

'Oh Hi!'

"I make it myself!"

'This is the last time we hire former Cirque du Soleil members as stompers.'

"Is Pinot Noir where you want to be?"

'There's something hauntingly familiar about the bouquet.'

Where 'Pastor'-ized Milk Comes From...

"Now, suppose some guy comes at you balanced between two blocks."

Wine Tasting and Wine Guzzling

'So much for your theory that mixing two 50-point-rated wines equals one rated 100.'

"In our house the four major food groups are Bordeaux, Merlot, Chardonnay and Champagne."

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

kangaroos hopping around in a vat of grapes to make wine for Australian wine company.

'I've written six books on wine; owned my own winery and taught a wine class for two years. My next goal is to taste some.'

I'm getting an ample full taste... I'm getting whimsical... I'm getting 'red'

Pick me! 2002 was a very good year! No! Me! I'm excellent with beef and fish. Desperate House Wines.

'It has to breathe for exactly 22 minutes; then I can pour you a glass - right after the sacrifice.'

'Eat the grass in perfect circles. It drives them crazy.'

'Who's the new guy?'

'We outsource our grape juice, marketing, bottling and distribution, and yet he's supposed to give a speech tonight on winemaking - bosses,outsources,outbetter show him what a grape looks like.'

Red Wine

"I've tried that one; it's a blend of 74 different red grapes - including two of the plastic decorative type."

"When a wine rates over ninety, this is not alcoholism."

'Tell us what you've done with all the grass!'

'Why is the jacuzzi full of grapes?'

"I've joined a wine-lovers club. . . so far there are only three members."

Nouveau wine

'I think we can skip the resume.'