Grape Genius T-Shirts

'How impressive! I had no idea they awarded a Nobel Prize for home winemaking.'

"Oh, the '94 - the best thing you can say about the '94 is that the '95 was worse."

The Vineyard

'Well, now that I know he's the owner's son, yes, he's the best damned wine steward I've ever seen.'

Wine Lady

"Unfortunately, the consumer was not as demanding as we had hoped."

'Plastic corks, then screw caps; when they come out with a flip-n-sip Chateau Petrus I'm hanging up my tastevin.'

Sale! Weed Whackers

"Is there any way I can un-drink this wine?"

'Which wine list would you like, Sir - Classics or Plonk?'

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

"Is Pinot Noir where you want to be?"

'No, you're not calling at a bad time. I'm a professional wine taster - it's alwasys a good time.'

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

'So much for your theory that mixing two 50-point-rated wines equals one rated 100.'

"In our house the four major food groups are Bordeaux, Merlot, Chardonnay and Champagne."

Wine Tasting and Wine Guzzling

'I've written six books on wine; owned my own winery and taught a wine class for two years. My next goal is to taste some.'

'Are you sure this wine is ten years old?' - 'Yes, I remember opening it ten years ago.'

'It has to breathe for exactly 22 minutes; then I can pour you a glass - right after the sacrifice.'

'Think, son! What was that formula you fed that tree?!'

I'm getting an ample full taste... I'm getting whimsical... I'm getting 'red'

'We outsource our grape juice, marketing, bottling and distribution, and yet he's supposed to give a speech tonight on winemaking - bosses,outsources,outbetter show him what a grape looks like.'

The Grapes of Wrath finally get some professional help.

Red Wine

Spiro & Pusho: watering the vine and the neighbour.

Wine tasting

'I, Dom Perignon, will now uncork the very first bottle of Champagne. Of course, I'm just guessing this is the right way to do it.'

"I spent all day looking for this Malbec, not that anybody cares."

"I've tried that one; it's a blend of 74 different red grapes - including two of the plastic decorative type."

"Soy milk and rice milk are okay but I prefer grape milk.".

"When a wine rates over ninety, this is not alcoholism."

"I've joined a wine-lovers club. . . so far there are only three members."