Grape Guru T-Shirts

"It's a naive domestic Burgundy without any breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption."

"I'm getting subtle hints of what the Fed might do."

"O.K., Everybody. Stand back! Let it breathe."

"This one's rubbish as well."

Advanced course at the Wine Appreciation Institute in my house.

Winery tours.

'Savage little brute, isn't it?'

Why Rome Fell:'Peel you a grape? Don't you know that the skin is where all the vitamins are?'

'We outsource our grape juice, marketing, bottling and distribution, and yet he's supposed to give a speech tonight on winemaking - bosses,outsources,outbetter show him what a grape looks like.'

Red wine teeth

After the breakup of Bacchus, Inc.

Wine: New and Old.

"I've joined a wine-lovers club. . . so far there are only three members."

"I just read it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert on a given subject. Janet, start the clock and bring me a glass."

"That's not our logo. That's the company's flowchart."

Red Wine

"Foreign wines have ruined me for domestics. I still shop local, but I gripe global."

One more please.

Wine Tasting and Wine Guzzling

'Don't tell me, I know this one. Is it wine?'

"I always gulp my wine - it evaporates, you know."

"In our house the four major food groups are Bordeaux, Merlot, Chardonnay and Champagne."

The Vineyard

"I've tried that one; it's a blend of 74 different red grapes - including two of the plastic decorative type."

"Food? And take up room that wine could occupy?"

'I'm from down the street. Your customer ordered our wine because it is better than yours.'

'How do you tell a red from a white?'

Being Called A Sour Grape Phobia.

"Hmm, this cheeky little red just stamped on my toes, poked me in the eye, kicked me in the nuts and said 'get a life, you sad git'."

"When a wine rates over ninety, this is not alcoholism."

I'm getting an ample full taste... I'm getting whimsical... I'm getting 'red'

Home Wine-Making Kit...

"Relax, Pop. Payroll is down and production is up."

Claret

"I highly recommend our featured red. With its markup, what waiter wouldn't?"