Grant Application Guru Gifts

'I'm worried -- It's getting harder and harder to qualify for Federal grants!'

Molecular Biology and Cosmology buildings

Yomp Foundation Presentation committee: 'Don't let the gong intimidate you!'

Procrastinator Foumdation: 'We're putting off the decision to fund you for at least another month...'

"I'm in nonprofit work for the money."

'The best grants lie that-a-ways, Ma'am.'

"I finally got tenure by publishing a research paper funded by a grant about subsidies."

"Our proposal didn't get the grant, but they want us to teach proposal writing."

'I don't believe it - if this evidence is correct it'll rock the very foundations of our research grant application.'

YOU HAVE A VERY LARGE GENIUS GRANT LINE.

"Well, we got the grant."

"I'll match donations when you match my tax payments."

"Congratulations Professor, the committee 'okayed' your grant request."

'Agreed. We fund only those proposals we can understand.'

'It's a foolproof formula for writing grant applications.'

Great moments in science. . . 'Nice work, you've isolated the funding gene.'

"Does he have to do that every time he gets a little grant?"

"I'm not going to shoot the messenger, but I'm also not going to renew his grant."

"I'm sorry, but you'll have to get approval from the offices of Terminology, Evidence, Proof of Demand, Documentation, Measurement and Predictions before I can even think about signing off."

'I want you stop referring to our grant as 'The Big Dipper.''

"Sure, you can buy them another round, but is this really how you want to spend your MacArthur Grant?"

"Dean Williams, the grant committee approved my research grant to determine how many research grants are a waste of government money!"

"The nonprofit competitive grant season begins

"Lost My Grant - Please Help!"

"What are we doing wrong?"

"When we said to be creative with your grant proposal presentation, this is not what was meant."

"...I want to find out whether there's any truth in the belief that money can't buy happiness."

'Let me start by saying I wish I had your imagination...'

He's got 'I'm in grant renewal heaven' all over him.

'Evolution may be a good idea, but how will we FUND it?'

'Agreed, 'Laplace Algebra Matrix Expansion' is a good topic, but we'd better find a better acronym if we want to secure a Research Grant...'

"Someday my grant will come."

"Great. First our funding ran out, now the rat."

"Our funding runs out in a month. Will everyone please think a little faster?"

The mazes were too easy, so now they have me running through bureaucracies and looking for grants. (Originally published on 2007-10-18).