Grant Seeker Gifts

'Congratulations. You're our 15th caller. The grant is yours!'

'I gave up hope of receiving a Genius Grant years ago. Now I'm basically shooting for the less impressive Mediocrity Grant.'

"Do you have this grant in a bigger size?"

"That's all we get around here: Gimme, gimme, gimme."

'Bad news. . . Things are too good to get any grant money.'

Portrait of the Artist as a Wanker

"We lost our grant and now look."

"I apply for a grant and all they give me is a big ball and a small ball. Here's what I think of them."

"Great. First our funding ran out, now the rat."

"Sorry Professor Smith, but your grant to buy a high-power cavity magnetron has been downgraded: They're sending you a microwave oven instead..."

"Look, we don't do grants up here, so there's no point in writing grant applications."

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

Molecular Biology and Cosmology buildings

'This is a 'placebo' line. It serves no purpose but it makes us feel good.'

"Son, you're old enough now for The Talk: everything you need to know about compound interest."

Continuing education.

Yomp Foundation Presentation committee: 'Don't let the gong intimidate you!'

'Another football scholarship offer?'

'Dammit - how do we get in on that gross national product?'

Procrastinator Foumdation: 'We're putting off the decision to fund you for at least another month...'

Bribes for Jabs

"I want a top education, but don't milk me dry with school fees."

"I'm in nonprofit work for the money."

Three businessmen using a pulley system to change a graph

Our Motto: Buy Low Sell High is the Best Revenge.'

"Who's ready to see what's going to happen in the fourth quarter?"

"There's gotta be a way to make money off this."

'This scholarship application is great. You must have received an A in creative writing.'

'The best grants lie that-a-ways, Ma'am.'

Wearing a sales chart as a name badge.

"Hey, there's Sara, padding her college-entrance résumé!"

"Attention, wanna-be son-in-law ... we're losing!"

"Our proposal didn't get the grant, but they want us to teach proposal writing."

Business Outlook

'I don't believe it - if this evidence is correct it'll rock the very foundations of our research grant application.'