Grain Gurus Gifts

"I'm into whole grains and long dirt baths, and I'm looking for someone who's not afraid to cross the road."

The Vineyard

'Well, now that I know he's the owner's son, yes, he's the best damned wine steward I've ever seen.'

'Plastic corks, then screw caps; when they come out with a flip-n-sip Chateau Petrus I'm hanging up my tastevin.'

"Actual results indicate that the statistical analysis of the data which projections were based on may have been wrong."

"Right, before we look at the covid figures for today, do we need another sheet of paper?"

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

'Oh Hi!'

'Which wine list would you like, Sir - Classics or Plonk?'

Sale! Weed Whackers

"Is Pinot Noir where you want to be?"

Lawnmower

"In our house the four major food groups are Bordeaux, Merlot, Chardonnay and Champagne."

Wine Tasting and Wine Guzzling

'So much for your theory that mixing two 50-point-rated wines equals one rated 100.'

"I used to be a vegetarian. Then I became a vegan. Then a fruitarian. Now I only eat manna that falls from Heaven."

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

Getting through the week.

I'm getting an ample full taste... I'm getting whimsical... I'm getting 'red'

'I've written six books on wine; owned my own winery and taught a wine class for two years. My next goal is to taste some.'

"We'll see how it goes. It's Santa's first year with the genetically modified deer."

'It has to breathe for exactly 22 minutes; then I can pour you a glass - right after the sacrifice.'

'I'm finding the greens a bit slow.'

'Eat the grass in perfect circles. It drives them crazy.'

'...And you're always complaining about the government's international trade agreements'

'Damn! McGee's good!'

'We outsource our grape juice, marketing, bottling and distribution, and yet he's supposed to give a speech tonight on winemaking - bosses,outsources,outbetter show him what a grape looks like.'

Red Wine

'VEGETARIAN ZOMBIES' BW

"I've tried that one; it's a blend of 74 different red grapes - including two of the plastic decorative type."

"Everybody's doing quinoa—at least Kamut still has a nice grainier-than-thou quality."

"When a wine rates over ninety, this is not alcoholism."

'You go ahead and eat. I'm on a raw food diet and surfer isn't part of it.'